Every person who is not alien to feelings and emotions has ever had to let go of his life those who want to let go of it the least. Sometimes parting with a loved one can be extremely painful. It’s one thing to say goodbye to a person, quite another to have feelings for him, which, having parted, while still loving, can be experienced within yourself for months and years (remember Akhmatov’s textbook “Ten Years of Fading and Screaming ...”). A painful breakup can develop into depression or lead to very sad consequences, including suicide. Sometimes people who have experienced a difficult separation for a long time stop any more or less long-term relationship with the opposite sex. That is, parting can cause serious moral trauma.
Art often romanticizes parting. The most painful moments are savored in songs and poems, and sometimes the sadness experienced due to parting seems even pleasant. Parting with a beloved man - this topic is probably one of those that are most often savored in female prose. “Any love story ends beautifully,” mass culture assures us. “No,” psychologists say. Parting is a serious reason to consult with one of them. There is nothing shameful or surprising in the fact that sometimes people come to a specialist’s office and ask one simple and clear question to a psychologist: "How to survive a breakup with a loved one?"
Let us try and ask ourselves this question and briefly highlight the main milestones on the upcoming difficult path.
Goodbye, and if forever, then forever
The most difficult thing at the beginning of this journey is to accept that the parting was completed completely. Often people who have just said goodbye to a dear person ask themselves not the question of how to survive what happened, but how to return their beloved after parting (or beloved)? In this case, you first need to understand your feelings and honestly answer the question: "What do I want, what is the main thing for me?" Most likely, at this stage the answer will be something like this: "I want to return to her (to him) and never part again." Well, you understood your feelings, now it was not difficult. Move on. You have the most difficult point. It is necessary to honestly answer the question: is it worth it to return the lost relationship? Surely inside you will hear an instant joyful "Yes !!!" Do not flatter yourself. Inside you live many who want to answer. Hormones speak for you, your emotional dependence on another person, your deceived expectations, but certainly not you. Remember why you broke up. If the partner simply, as they say, abandoned you, then you probably should not return the lost relationship. Even if you succeed, before that you will go through a lot of humiliation. You will have to cast off your self-esteem, forget about self-esteem, about your needs, goals, and hobbies. The only desire that remains in you will be the promotion of a partner in your interests.
Love or ... "breaking"?
Perhaps now you are in such a state that you don’t even think about self-esteem, much less forget about your hobbies. But try to approach the problem from the other side: do you really love the person with whom you want a relationship? "What a stupid question?" - shouts now, probably, your inner voice. But love, true love is impossible without respect for their needs. Psychologists say that true love is not a storm of emotions at all. This is just a desire to be with your chosen one, under the condition that you can live in peace without him. And the terrible feeling that you are experiencing now is not love at all. Listen to yourself. Ask yourself the question: "Does not what I am experiencing now resemble everything that I heard (a) or read about breaking?" Yes, yes, do not be surprised! With sober reflection, you will agree with me that there is a burning desire to see your loved one, to hear his voice, to touch his hair, etc. akin to the state experienced by drug addicts, not being able to take the next dose of the coveted substance.
In fact, dependence on a person is a serious problem. It is often underestimated by people. They are not inclined to put dependence on a loved one on a par with other addictions. This would seem to belittle your feelings. But believe me, turning a blind eye to the problem and sorting out this problem are two diametrically opposite things. Now, having parted with your beloved, we must try to answer the question as honestly as possible: "But am I more attached to this person than I would like?" "Breaking" notice is not difficult. But having decided on a problem, you can already look for ways to solve it. The enemy must be known by name. In this case, his name is emotional dependence.
What is emotional addiction?
Romantic literature defines love as "I want him to be always there." In approximately the same way, psychologists characterize emotional dependence. In childhood, we were all emotionally dependent on our parents. Our mood was manageable and could easily change depending on whether we heard praise or censure from dad and mom. One of the most important components of the growing up period is considered to be the overcoming of emotional dependence on parents. Theoretically, an adult is not emotionally dependent on anyone. If there is a desire and opportunity, he builds relationships with other people. But no - it’s quite capable of living alone.
But in practice, it often turns out quite wrong. Someone is secretly in love and instantly loses their will in the presence of a beloved object, someone is dependent on their best friend and feels that the earth is leaving under his feet as soon as he notices the slightest chill in the words or actions of his “god”. But the “god” has a runny nose and a cold, the “god” doesn’t get enough sleep for several days, he didn’t want to offend you, he was just very tired. But in a state of emotional dependence, these arguments do not work. But "he stopped loving me" works very well.
Emotional addiction is a real, serious problem. In the light of this elementary knowledge, attempts to romanticize the suffering of love seem not just ridiculous, but even dangerous. Who said that addiction to a person is better than narcotic, if love sometimes leads to death?
Overcoming addiction: the benefits of breaking up
Overcoming emotional dependence is the main, most difficult and long-term stage on the path that you have to go. But, by the way, not everything is so bad! You have reasons to rejoice. First of all, it is quite possible that before you parted, it was not love that kept you close to your partner, but a state that in psychology is called co-dependence, that is, mutual emotional dependence. And now your eyes have opened, and you can get away from this in order to build healthy relationships in the future. Secondly, sometimes it happens that a person is secretly dependent on his best friend, and then the addiction can live for years. And you have a parting behind you, that is, your dependence is a priori doomed to gradual decay, because any addiction needs constant recharge, and your source of live water, no matter how sad it may sound, is blocked. That is, your partner has already done the main work for you. You do not have much left to help yourself.
Entirely, Not in Parts
But here is how to help, and we will consider step by step. Firstly, the healing source must be completely blocked by an effort of will, because addiction can be fed on and in small doses. Many have noticed that love (read: emotional dependence) lives more on lack than on excess, which fits perfectly with the nature of human nature. No wonder Marina Tsvetaeva noticed:
Love is a strange thing: it feeds on hunger and dies of food.
Therefore, the first and most important rule in parting is to part completely. Here, by the way, the nobility of your partner is checked. You need to be able to leave too. One song sings:
I ask only one: kill right away,
Entirely, Not in Parts
And it is right. Leaving even a small “leakage” is very dangerous: it is unlikely that it will return a partner’s feelings for you, but it can completely delay the separation for a long time, which means it can cause you extra pain. Do you need it?
Rejecting, no need to hug
However, it is sometimes very difficult to part for ever, especially if the partner behaves ignorantly: he appears, then disappears. This is what you explain first of all. Then you can talk directly with your loved one. Do not forget: if you love him, this does not mean that you a priori become his rug at the front door. You also have feelings that need to be respected. Most often it happens that you understand it, but you don’t let your partner understand it precisely because you love it. After all, love can sometimes be scary: you meet with a partner - and you forget all your good intentions to part, or at least put all the dots over “and”. It seems to you that since he looked at you, if he smiled and spoke favorably, that means he will never leave you. This is self-deception. It is enough to test deja vu several times to make sure that it does not work. Your beloved is not an all-seeing god; he may not even notice that you feel such strong feelings.
His only dignity, because of which you cling to him so much, is actually not his dignity at all, but your love. Understand this, try to look at your beloved, depriving him of the halo of your love. Your beloved is just a person who needs to know that it hurts and displeases you. You do not have to hide your feelings and spare your partner because you love. Remind yourself that honesty is the basis of a healthy relationship, and honestly talk with a partner, ask him for certainty in the relationship. You do not have the right to ask for love, a person is not free to want and to love himself, but certainty in relationships is a little that we should give to others and have the right to demand in relation to ourselves. So demand her! Respect yourself! You are not a toy that you can play when you want, and throw it when you want. Explain to your loved one how you feel, and urge them not to give you any hope. This is the basis of the conversation.
Do not indulge yourself
A real torment, a test after breaking up can be meeting with a loved one in neutral territory, if you, for example, study or work together. If you broke up completely, it’s sometimes difficult to even say hello. Well, you have the right not to say hello at all.
Yes, for some time you can break off relations with a person dear to your heart for good. This will be a radical, but the best way out. It’s good to get angry at a partner. If you are deeply in love, but your beloved gave you unjustified hopes, it's time to remember this. If you had a relationship, and your loved one showed disregard for your feelings, it's time to remember this. This is not revenge or vindictiveness. It is the salvation of oneself. Now it is possible. You will think about forgiveness later, when you will be saved from the clutches of addiction. Do not forget about the competent designation of your problem. Anger at a partner can be the first cure.
Very often people, having parted, it would seem, completely, continue to monitor the life of a loved one. It is not right. Of course, tracking the life of a partner on pages on social networks cannot be compared with real communication. Nevertheless, it delays the separation. No matter how difficult it is, move away from your partner for good. Do not look at his page, it will be difficult for you to see evidence of his active life at a time when you still can not think of anything but him. Even if updates are rarely made on his page, don’t look - there’s no need for extra memories. Do not ask common acquaintances about him. Ask your friends not to tell you the news from his life and not remind you of him at all. Taboo this topic. Do not touch her in conversation. Science fiction writer Ray Bradbury once said wonderful words:
Smile, do not give trouble pleasure
And you do not give pleasure to the internal "breaking", do not make yourself any indulgences at all! Of course, this will not solve the problem instantly, but it will help you survive the breakup in a shorter time.
Perhaps parting will reveal one of your talents?
Helps a sense of sports anger. Feel like a fighter! Tell yourself: "They say that you will not command the heart, and I will take it and I will order! And I can handle it! And I will win!"
Try not to inflate the “chewing gum of your sorrow”. It is very tempting at this time to listen to sad music and to be imbued with verses about parting with your loved one, transmitting your condition. Of course, in moderate doses, this is possible. However, it’s not worth sipping to music. If you feel that your mood has fallen hopelessly, do not finish yourself with sad songs.
Another thing is to create these sad songs. Remember your hobbies, try to tell in your creative work about your love, that it, even rejected, dying, is beautiful. Many girls, having met unrequited love, begin to write poems about parting with a loved one, intuitively sublimating the unspent love energy into creativity. Remember, Zemfira sang:
I'm choking with tenderness
So, there is no need to suffocate. We must be able to find application for this tenderness. Perhaps she will live in your songs and poems, plush dolls or matchstick palaces. Do not forget about your hobbies! They are able to provide you a real service in a difficult period of separation.
Write letters
One of the most common answers to the question of how to survive a breakup is to write a letter to a partner (of course, without sending it). In the epistolary genre, you can express all the feelings that oppress you. Perhaps their oppression will slightly weaken. However, this does not help everyone.
Make a daily routine
Think about your physical abilities. Based on them, make an action plan. If you are not very hardy, get tired quickly - turn on the "energy-saving mode." No extra responsibility! Only do the work that you need to do. Provide yourself with a good sleep (at least 8 hours a day) and good nutrition, under stress they are doubly necessary. Pamper your body. He spent enough life energy on another person. Give him back this energy. Interesting books, delicious food, heart-pleasing trinkets - let every little thing work for your mood. Every day, getting out of bed, ask yourself: "How can I improve today's day?" And often praise yourself for the slightest achievement. Let them seem insignificant to the internal skeptic: the body under stress is not easy to reach them.
But not everyone fits the action plan. If you are distinguished by endurance, you can easily cope with the bulk of the work, and free time now, after parting, weighs on you and reminds you of your beloved, it makes sense to tighten discipline. Schedule your day, fill it to capacity. Take a side job, volunteer, remember your old hobbies. Combine two things at once: knit and listen to an audio book, run - and let music play in the headphones. Cheerful, peppy, rhythmic music. Make sure that in the evening you fall into bed without strength. And even more so without memories of a loved one.
Consult a psychologist
Sometimes the situation becomes so serious that even ordinary measures do not help. If you feel that you are no longer in control of it, if quite a lot of time has passed after the separation, and you still do not know how to survive the separation, then maybe it's time to turn to a psychologist. There is nothing wrong with this; remember that in the West this is a common practice. The specialist will give you some advice. Parting with a loved one only they will help to survive.
Do not forget that only by closing one door, you can open another. Perhaps, experiencing a breakup with a loved one, you will learn to love yourself. Only relationships that have ended completely will give you a chance to find true love and build a truly healthy relationship.