Each stage of the development of family relations is accompanied by a more or less acute crisis period, when the fortress of the marriage union seems to pass a series of tests and proves its right to continue to exist. The crisis of family life of 5 years is one of the most important, key moments, marking the transition of marital relations to a deeper mutual understanding.
The danger of this phase lies in the fact that for the first time a young family is faced with the whole mass of difficulties that accumulate gradually over the years of cohabitation, and may not withstand this blow. All you need to know about the signs of a crisis in family life for 5 years and how to overcome this difficult threshold - later in the article.
Features of the 5-year period: women
According to statistics, most often it is a woman who initiates a breakup at the end of the first five-year period after marriage. Until that time, all the important family roles in her life succeeded each other sequentially: she was a young housewife who was forgiven for many mistakes, then a new mother with priority concerns for her baby.
Coming out of the decree and faced with the need to housekeeping, educate a preschooler, take care of her own career growth and personal development at the same time, the woman experiences extreme stress. This condition remains unnoticed for a long time by the husband and the people around her until the so-called boiling point sets in. The crisis of family life of 5 years for a woman originates from the moment when general fatigue and dissatisfaction with the current situation push the young spouse to search for a new “resource of strength”.
If the relationship between the spouses is far from trusting or the husband stubbornly does not want to recognize the seriousness of the changes that have occurred in the wife’s life, on her part such manifestations of internal aggression with respect to the situation as a whole are possible:
- decreased sexual activity or neglect of the spouse in bed;
- the desire to climb the career ladder faster, bordering workaholism;
- loss of interest in their appearance;
- tendency to flirt and adultery.
The situation is aggravated by the fact that the spouses during the crisis of family life for 5 years cease to be sincerely interested in each other's life and completely go into their own problems. Desperate to be heard by the husband and not trying, in turn, to understand him, the woman gradually disassociates herself from the role of the wife and finds solace in the sphere that maximizes her ambitions.
Features of the dangerous period: men
A man reacts less sharply to the changes that the birth of a baby and cares for his upbringing bring to his life, but he instantly catches the “desalination” of love experiences from his wife. For him, the ways to overcome the crisis of family life for 5 years seem to be a struggle for the attention of a woman who has become “indifferent”, “stopped loving” and, in general, “lost interest in him”.
It is rare that one of the husbands, faced with similar difficulties, fully sided with the spouse and is ready to accept her new state as natural in this situation. It seems to them that during the crisis of family life of 5 years, a woman requires increased attention, underestimating the importance of a man to a wordless earner, and this will always continue.
Faced with the sexual cooling of his wife and taking this fact for offensive neglect, the man involuntarily begins to look for a way out of his unrealized energy. This is manifested in increasing its performance, up to painful workaholism, or building an intimate life outside the family.
Treason can be in the nature of a challenge - a man wants to prove to himself that he is still capable of much, and shift the blame to the one that could not appreciate him. But unlike a woman who, carried away by a new partner, in half of all cases breaks the marriage, a man in attempts to overcome the crisis of family life for 5 years is temporarily removed from his wife. Moreover, if the betrayal is revealed, he easily abandons his mistress and returns to the role of an exemplary husband.
The crisis of family life 5 years - how to understand that he has come
The main symptom of the approaching critical period, psychologists call a feeling of irritation, equally visiting both spouses in relation to each other. Husband and wife communicate with strangers quite positively, but in private it is difficult for them to conduct even a normal dialogue. The crisis of family life of 5 years is a time of heavy, protracted scandals, the cause of which is not clear even to the instigator.
Other characteristic moments of this phase:
- lack of sexual desire in spouses;
- outbreaks of aggression with the sole intention of proving to the partner at all costs that he is wrong;
- unwillingness to take care of oneself at home and loss of desire to like a partner;
- reduced need for joint decision making;
- the desire to do spouse something in spite.
An important sign of the crisis of family life for 5 years will be a temporary lull in the house. Husband and wife, being under the same roof, seem to go into themselves and may not be able to communicate with each other for days without visible conflict. Both are covered by apathy and mental laziness, passing only when the couple are separated.
Key reasons for changes in spouses' behavior
The signs of a crisis of family life of 5 years are manifested gradually and at an increasing pace, with each individual episode of the conflict being the result of a combination of many reasons. The provocative moment giving rise to another scandal or resentment, as a rule, is an insignificant event that would not have bad consequences in another situation.
What factors lead to the development of a negative relationship of spouses to each other:
- "Today as yesterday." The monotony of recurring daily events, the absence of memorable joyful moments leads to the fact that the spouses begin to see their life as hopeless, dead-end.
- “Let him accept as I am.” Partners no longer try to earn each other's approval, stop monitoring their words and mask their bad habits and inclinations.
- "Holidays are not for us." Surprises and gifts are a thing of the past, and the spouses are no longer supported by the feeling of pleasant anticipation with which they previously expected memorable dates.
- "Someone alone." A woman absorbed in caring for a child is less and less finding time for communication with her husband, explaining this by saying that "she is not enough for everyone." This gives rise to discontent among the neglected man or even jealousy on his part towards the baby.
A difficult situation can be aggravated if the family is in financial difficulties or if one of the spouses is regularly exposed to stress at work. Then, to the general everyday problems that undermine the well-being of the family, dissatisfaction provoked by external factors is added.
Save or destroy?
The crisis of family life has come 5 years - what to do if one of the spouses has already seriously considered what is better: to keep the marriage or start all over again? Many, finding themselves at a crossroads, look for clues on the side, offering to solve this problem to relatives or even friends who have experienced the sad experience of a family conflict. As a result, a person receives a large number of diverse opinions that have nothing to do with a particular case. Such an attitude to the issue threatens not only the integrity of the marriage, but can also deprive the indecisive spouse of the respect of the partner.
Psychologists suggest that spouses make this important decision after a test called Cartesian. It includes 4 questions, each of which requires an internal rethinking of the situation. A person needs to answer the questionnaire alone and with a sufficient free time resource.
Cartesian questions
Mentally imagining all the proposed options for the development of events, a person should focus on a sense of comfort. If at some point this feeling disappears, then the person’s subconscious mind resists this alternative and it is not acceptable.
These are the questions that a spouse who has doubts about whether to maintain a marriage should be asked:
- “What will happen if you do this?” Asking this question, a person must mentally recreate the algorithm of events that are supposed to follow his decision to leave the relationship. It is best to create 2-3 alternative algorithms, listening to your inner feelings as you follow each path.
- “What will not happen if you do so?” Now the spouse needs to realize that he will irrevocably leave his life if he files for divorce. Perhaps the list of apparent benefits will be much shorter than the list of painful losses.
- “What will not happen if you don’t do so?” The method is similar to the one under the first paragraph, but now the test person should think over possible realities if he decides to save the marriage.
- “What will happen if you don’t do this?” The last paragraph offers the testee to dream up on the topic of what happens if you simply surrender to the flow and do not make any critical decisions. Most likely, the conflict will be resolved by itself and then you will not have to regret the hastily heaped errors.
The main advantage of following Descartes’s decision-making method is that a person transfers his personal problem to a comprehensive review and begins to clearly understand what he will lose and what he will gain in the end.
How to get out of the crisis of family life 5 years
It is very difficult to remain calm when it seems that the other half deliberately tries to provoke a quarrel, and it is even more difficult to try on the role of the follower in the relationship and the first to concede in all conflict situations. Psychologists say that in this way it will be possible to save the marriage, but it will no longer be possible to return the former respect to the union of two people. Accustomed to meeting a submissive consent in everything, the partner provocateur will no longer soberly assess the consequences of his actions and can turn the life of a spouse into total hell.
But how to overcome the crisis of family life for 5 years, if not through compromises? No way, but both spouses should equally yield, enter into a position and sacrifice their desires.
In order not to stir up a dispute over each episode when a decision needs to be made, the husband and wife can discuss in advance the “areas of competence” of each family member. For example, on matters of household purchases, the last word will remain with the woman, and the family will only purchase materials for home repairs with the approval of the man. Those tasks that do not carry a large specific load, the couple can discuss together and at the same time exercise in a respectful and friendly dialogue.
A good test for yourself and your feelings will be a brief fantasy on the topic “What if it weren’t”. A spouse who thinks he’s "reached the point" just needs to retire and in a calm environment to visualize a life in which his current partner does not exist. Is there any sense of comfort and lightness? Or tormented by a feeling of emptiness and regret?
Having listened to his feelings, it is not difficult for a person to understand exactly what place in his reality a lover takes and what constitutes a current relationship - a heavy duty or a vital necessity.
5 golden rules for a healthy relationship
Not only women, but also men in search of an option on how to survive the crisis of family life for 5 years, often try on the experience of friends of married couples or ask advice from friends whose competence in psychology is questionable. As a rule, a person seeks to seek help from those who have already experienced a family tragedy and as a result receives an approximate scheme of actions leading him to the same sad outcome.
Experts strongly do not recommend the couple to spread their concerns, making them public. In the arsenal of husband and wife, who have temporarily lost mutual understanding, there are 5 reliable and proven ways to convey information and be heard by each other:
- you can’t accumulate negativity in yourself - if the spouse acted recklessly or said an offensive thing, this situation should be immediately brought up for discussion;
- Speaking about what causes irritation in the partner, you need to say: “it saddens me” or “it’s hard for me”, and not “you are to blame” or “you are doing wrong”;
- in the conversation you need to use the pronouns “we”, “us”, “ours” more often;
- if the resentment inflicted by the partner is very serious, you need to “keep silent” for at least one hour, otherwise there is a risk of aggravating the conflict by making counterclaims;
- the partner must feel his family significance constantly - this will not allow him to begin to seek understanding from strangers.
So that the indications of the errors of the mistaken spouse do not look like reproaches, they can be presented veiled. In this case, the partner should in a friendly atmosphere tell a fictional story from the life of his distant acquaintances, outlining the controversial situation as a problem that exists with them. Having got involved in the discussion, the spouse will have the opportunity to look at his mistake from the side, as well as find out the opinion of his other half in this regard.
Joint steps to overcome difficulties
No matter how reasonable and correct the steps of one of the partners in establishing family life may be, if the second spouse stands motionless or moves in the opposite direction, it will not be possible to save the marriage. It is impossible to predict from what moment the attempts of an initiative spouse will receive a positive response, but at first he will have to put in twice as much patience and efforts to “stir up” a passive partner.
Ideas for spending time together that will help maintain a marriage relationship:
- caring for a child can be a fascinating adventure if you diversify your time at home with fun photo sessions with your baby, drawing together, playing hide and seek, etc .;
- spouses need to enroll in some kind of hobby group or sports section and be sure to attend classes together;
- it is necessary to promise each other once a week, at all costs, to arrange small “forays” in the cinema, cafe, or simply in nature;
- you must certainly learn some new kind of creativity together, start studying a foreign language or philosophical direction, and in your free time discuss the learned information.
An important condition for maintaining a healthy marriage will be a taboo on refusing sex - even after a quarrel, the couple should sleep in the same bed and receive physical pleasure from each other.
To summarize
We must not forget that in a family without children, the crisis of family life of 5 years is no less acute. The reason for this is the mutual addiction of partners, the arrangement of the wrong priorities, which may be led by work or friends, as well as the erroneous opinion that the beloved "will not go anywhere anyway."
Psychologists advise spouses on the first alarming sign of the onset of a critical period to remember themselves as they were in the days of the first exciting dates. As soon as the partners again awaken sensual desires, and they again learn to give and receive signs of attention, their relationship will move to the next level and marriage will be out of danger.