According to statistics, in Russia, out of 10 couples who have sealed relations by a marriage, only five avoid divorce and can boast of harmonious relations. Almost every broken family has children whose interests, due to the impending catastrophe, recede into the background. Parents forget that a child who encounters an incomprehensible phenomenon of divorce has his own vision of the situation, different from that imposed on him by adults. How to help your child survive the divorce of parents?
Who gets the offspring?
If parents divorce, with whom is the child left? Article 61 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation guarantees parents equal rights to a common child, however, there are nuances that are revealed during the divorce proceedings, which can make adjustments to the provision of this right to one of the parents.
What aspects influence the court decision when determining the child’s place of residence after the divorce of the parents:
- material capabilities of each of the parents;
- the child’s affection (more, less) in relation to dad or mom;
- the degree of care of each parent in relation to the child before the divorce.
If both parents, living together, properly performed their duties and equally provided the physical and moral needs of the child, then the question of the whereabouts of the child is most often resolved formally in favor of the mother. At the same time, the former head of the family will have the opportunity to meet and communicate with his son or daughter at any time.
The reaction of a preschooler to the divorce of parents
What if parents get divorced? Preschoolers perceive the news that parents disagree, perceive with the only feeling that prevails and suppresses all other emotions - fear. A small child is not able to realize the internal factors of the disaster and fully assimilates what is happening with his personality - they throw him, they want to hurt him. The situation is aggravated by the fact that at the time of the feud that accompanies the divorce, parents completely focus on their experiences and are not able to pay the necessary attention to a small family member.
During divorce proceedings, children are more likely to get a cold, their temperature starts to jump, signs of VVD appear. All these symptoms are the results of a nervous breakdown, manifestations of an internal protest against the destruction of internal attitudes and attitude of the baby.
Tips for Preschool Parents
Since it is the mother (in most cases) who remains with the child after the breakup, she is responsible for restoring the baby's trust in both parents. Mom needs to talk with the little man, operating in terms accessible to him, but not trying to smooth out the bitter truth with a lie. The baby needs to be informed that his dad is still the best, and what happened does not affect their ability to see each other, walk together, play.
Considering that the child is still too small to understand the situation correctly, some parents begin to bombard him with toys, indulge all his whims, buy more sweets. In no case should this be done, otherwise the child will learn to capitalize on the guilt of other people. In order for the preschooler to not feel impaired, it is enough to spend more time with him, communicate and, of course, leave all the clarifications of the relationship at the doorstep of the house.
Teenager cheating
Schoolchildren confronted with the fact of family breakdown are even harder than the baby, because an older child, looking for the cause of the trouble, will immediately begin to delve into himself. Even obvious reasons for divorce, such as infidelity, alcoholism, lack of love, are not arguments for a teenager in favor of divorce. And if parents also aggravate the difficult situation, throwing in the child’s face such accusations as: “These are all your tricks!”, “If you behaved normally, this would not be!”, Then psychological problems will not be long in coming.
Children over 11 years old, already publicizing the protest with pronounced deviant (deviant) behavior, often try to smoke, leave home, doing this defiantly or intentionally poorly masking the “traces of crime”. In almost 100% of cases, having learned that the parents decided to divorce, the child ceases to study well, and teachers begin to complain about worsened, uncontrollable behavior.
Tips for parents of a teenager
You need to talk with a teenager, but to the best of your frankness. The child should not be devoted to details of the father’s dishonorable behavior or told him that the grandmother is to blame for the quarrels between father and mother. Even if the father who lives separately remains his authority. The standard formula for the loss of past feelings, presented to the teenager in the form of an explanation, will not make the child consider himself as unhappy and offended as the undisguised truth about the imperfection of one of the parents.
Attracting a teenager to their side by each of the parents also threatens with grave consequences. The best mother in the world, according to her father, appears in front of her child in the form of a groomed brawler, and her beloved father, at the suggestion of her mother, appears as an alcoholic and a dictator. Such a pulling of the blanket usually ends with the student escaping from the “truth” to a company that is not suitable for him, and it is already very difficult to get him out of there.
New parent - accept or reject?
Mom, dad and child are, in the understanding of a teenager, very tightly connected links of one chain. When this connection collapses, the student makes many attempts to resolve the conflict and these attempts can last up to several years. It is not surprising that when one of the parents has a new partner, this is always perceived by the child with hostility.
What should I do if the child flatly refuses to accept a new person - is he aggressive or is he losing himself? There are several options to reconcile him with the situation in the family:
- to convince the child that the stepfather or stepmother will not interfere in matters of education;
- spend time with a teenager more often;
- to attract a child to help around the house, explaining this by its indispensability;
- constantly, but unobtrusively tell the student how his stepfather or stepmother is concerned about his poor mood or poor performance.
Even an older student is hard to imagine dad and mom as ordinary people, prone to universal desires. It is necessary to remind him that adults also cannot live without love and support, and in many respects it depends on him whether his father and mother will be happy or not.
Psychologist's advice to children
Dad and mom decided to no longer live together, and the child is at a crossroads. Whose side to take? Talk about your feelings and fears or keep in yourself?
Here are 4 key tips that will answer the question of what to do if parents get divorced:
- During a family showdown, taking a step back, stop focusing on yourself - is it difficult for adults, is there no need to provoke extra bursts of emotions?
- Start keeping a diary where to write down in detail all your personal experiences. If the situation is unbearable, approach the school psychologist with these notes and tell everything without hiding.
- You can not move away from the parent who left the family - he also needs support and love.
- There is no need to take sides - both participants are to blame for family dramas, and the child should not serve as a "passing pennant" in the questions of "who whom."
And you should more often offer your help in everyday matters and try to learn better. This will defuse the situation and save parents from unnecessary problems, for example, conversations with teachers about academic performance.
Helping parents
What if parents get divorced? Children experience the destruction of the family structure in different ways, but the closure to the trouble that has happened is not an option. Even if you really want to hide from problems in the farthest corner, you need to understand that in a shrinking family there will not be any more problems. Mom, with whom the child most often lives after the divorce, is now much harder - she has to work harder and bear a double burden of responsibility.
Can a teenager really support a parent in need of help? Here are 5 points that are easy to learn and apply to every student in practice:
- more walking, saving money on travel and maintaining their physical condition is normal;
- it is better to study so that you do not have to spend money on additional lessons;
- temporarily limit pocket expenses;
- reduce internet consumption and ask the parent to pay less traffic;
- pay more attention to your health so that the parent does not have to take a sick leave and do not buy expensive medications.
Entertainment such as going to the cinema, to attractions or friendly parties, it is better to replace trips to nature, free exhibitions. This will enrich the inner world and contribute to maintaining the family budget.
Independence is a step towards growing up
What if parents get divorced? First of all, help them solve their problems without fear that their beloved child will get into trouble or start learning during this time. Let dad and mom see - their child is quite capable of independent steps and initiatives.
It is not difficult for a teenager to take on some responsibilities:
- washing your laundry;
- purchase of necessary products;
- dog walking;
- cooking a simple lunch;
- house cleaning.
If something is new, for example, setting up a washing machine program - do not be shy to ask. Something not to know is not at all embarrassing, but it’s unacceptable to charge a parent who is already in trouble with the burden of additional duties.
Caring for the emotional background
Adults experiencing the psychological pressure of a divorce procedure are under constant stress. They may not show this, but they are very bad and also scared. Often stress leads to even more serious consequences - depression. Recognizing the disease is simple - a person stops eating, becomes lethargic, loses interest in everything.
If such signs were found in a loved one - he urgently needs help. You should persuade a sick parent to go to a psychiatrist, but also not to forget about the importance of a comfortable home environment. The apartment should always be clean. If the parent is very tired at work, you will have to master the preparation of 2-3 simple dishes and learn how to use all the necessary kitchen appliances.
What else can the child do? Mom and dad probably rarely have the opportunity to do something else besides routine daily worries, so you can independently organize at home mastering any skill - artistic embroidery, beadwork, collecting a complex designer. This will distract the sick parent from negative thoughts, and at the same time help to strengthen the shrinking family.
5 "not" for parents
Divorce is a situation in which each parent seeks to derive benefits expressed in both material and moral goods. In pursuit of personal advantages, adults turn the child into the main object of manipulation, not considering how these actions are interpreted by psychology. Children after the divorce of such parents need long-term rehabilitation, otherwise they may end up with unhealing mental injuries.
Intending to influence the feelings of the “adversary”, the parent should be aware of 5 categorical “no” regarding the common child. So you can’t:
- forbid a son or daughter to see the other parent;
- to topple a child with a whole load of compassion and hyper-custody;
- make the child choose with whom he wants to be more;
- Too frankly with the child about the reasons for the divorce;
- force the teenager to communicate with the new “friend” or “girlfriend” of the parent.
An ideal behavior that would help father and mother minimize the harmful effects of family breakdown for a child is a calm, compromise communication with each other, at least in the presence of a small family member. This will give the child the confidence that what is happening is not the completion of all the best in his life, but rather gives the father and mother the opportunity to better realize themselves and become happier.