One oriental proverb says: two chairs are empty in paradise, one is for a good daughter-in-law, and the second is for a good mother-in-law. Some African peoples still support the custom according to which the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law (as well as mother-in-law and son-in-law) are found only on large, general tribal holidays. The Solomon Islands also have their own traditions associated with these relatives: for example, a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law who live in the same house should not be simultaneously in the household.
Of course, these facts can be called evidence that problems in the relationship between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law exist everywhere, but this can hardly reassure. Especially when endless quarrels are not a historical fact, but a harsh reality. Today we offer to talk about how to build relationships with mother-in-law: the advice of a psychologist, attempts to find the causes of conflicts - all this awaits you below!
Own blood
To begin with, the topic of relations between these two relatives has historical roots. The fact is that the word "mother-in-law" literally means "own blood." While the “daughter-in-law” is “the bride from where she came”. From time immemorial it was customary to bring the bride to the house of the groom’s parents, and similar traditions are still preserved when the groom buys the bride and takes her to his house. By the way, psychologists say that 80% of mother-in-law were once offended by the mothers of their own spouse!
Who is to blame and what to do?
Speaking about how to improve relations with the mother-in-law, it is important to understand what the cause of the problems lies. For example, if the mother of your spouse is a non-caring person, aggressive and conflicting, and not only in your opinion, but also in the opinion of others, it is most likely a matter of the character traits of this woman.
Your only task: try not to provoke scandals and not to take part in the “hostilities” that your spouse’s mom is deploying. But if you are sure that hostile relations concern you exclusively, you should delve into the reasons for such behavior.
The most common causes of conflict
Psychologists note: with such a problem as a critical attitude on the part of the parents of the husband or wife, almost everyone faced. The fact is that parents incredibly love their own children and tend to exaggerate their dignity without noticing the flaws. Another reason is that the mother-in-law is simply jealous of her son for her daughter-in-law. Of course, each parent understands that sooner or later her son will leave the family, but this care is a serious problem for women. A quite natural question arises: why is a mother reacting so sharply to changes in her own family? Often, daughters-in-law note that the husband’s father almost never shows his displeasure. Psychologists give the answer: women, by their nature, are more emotional creatures, they live not by reason, but by feelings. It should be said that most often the mother-in-law and they themselves understand that they are too strict and picky in relation to the daughter-in-law. However, they simply cannot do anything with themselves.
Another reason that, according to psychologists, is preventing a good relationship with the mother-in-law, biological. It turns out that at about the time when adult children create families, hormonal changes occur in the mother's body. Of course, menopause cannot be called a disease, but it has a significant effect on various systems of the woman’s body. Including the mood. That is why the mother-in-law often has such character traits as irritability, excessive emotionality and temper.
Individual causes of conflict
It would seem: everything is quite natural and natural. However, why then are there families in which newlyweds manage to maintain excellent relations with their parents, and women do not have a question about how to communicate with their mother-in-law? What can affect a woman’s quality as a mother-in-law? Of course, these are character traits. So, those women who are used to feeling their leadership in any situation will not only impose their own rules in the new family, but may also require total submission from their daughter-in-law. Influence and living conditions. For example, if your mother-in-law works and has a hobby, it is unlikely that she will come to you in order to control the quality of cleaning or washing.
Another reason that forces women to think about how to build relationships with their mother-in-law is the relationship that has developed between the mother and son. In the case when the child was the only meaning and love throughout the life of a woman (especially if it was a late child), it will be difficult for a woman to get used to breaking up with him. For a long time she will try to fulfill her usual role, considering herself a full member of the new family.
Often there are cases when a boy was brought up in conditions of hyperprotection. That is, he was constantly told what to do, with whom to be friends, never left a choice, punished for the slightest disobedience. Of course, the raised son is still under pressure from his parents. He will certainly receive the profession that his mother and father chose for him, and marries only after the parents approve the bride's candidacy.
How to communicate with mother-in-law: advice from a psychologist
The very first advice that family relations specialists give is as follows: sometimes it is better to be silent than to speak. In the event that the mother of your soulmate is prone to criticism and regularly expresses dissatisfaction towards you (even if she disguises nit-picking under good advice), she should be given the minimum amount of soil for thought. Do not share what is happening in your life, for these purposes you have your own mom and girlfriends. Speak briefly, in no case do not get your mother-in-law involved in your family plans or conflicts.
What else should your spouse's mom not know? Of course, about your past. How to communicate with the mother-in-law when the conversation turns to a slippery topic, and you feel that you are about to receive another insult in your address? Try to quickly transfer the conversation to another channel, for example, so that the mother-in-law begins to talk about herself. And as long as possible. In this case, the likelihood that she will forget that she wanted to find fault with you will be significantly reduced.
Lack of criticism
Thinking about building relationships with your mother-in-law? The easiest way to ensure that friendship never sets in between you is to criticize your husband. After all, this mother-in-law raised him like that, by the way, she probably considers him the best person in the world. So it’s better to discuss your dissatisfaction with your own man with him or not touch this topic at all. It is unlikely that the mother-in-law will begin to help redo her son. Yes, and do you need it? If your husband does not suit you so much that you cannot remain silent even in the presence of his mother, think about finding another partner.
Find her an occupation
Thinking about how to communicate with your mother-in-law? The advice of psychologists is quite simple: help her find a hobby! This is the best option if the husband’s mom is trying to participate in your life together. In order for her to stop calling, coming to visit, checking how you cooked borsch and how to properly wash your husband’s shirts, help her find some kind of hobby: for example, let her put in order a huge photo archive, start going to the pool, also You can give her a needlework kit or teach her how to use Odnoklassniki. Let her feel that she has her own interesting life.
Stop competing
How to establish a relationship with the mother-in-law, which constantly challenges you to a kind of competition? Remember: you have nothing to share with her, in the heart of her beloved son and your husband you occupy completely different places. Try to remind yourself of this more often, especially when you are overwhelmed by irritation during communication with the mother-in-law. A good relationship with this woman is a real achievement that can make your life much easier.
Distance
If you are thinking about how to communicate with your mother-in-law, try to keep your distance. Treat her with respect, because the positive qualities of her husband are largely the result of her long work. In the event that you do not want to fake a smile and spend time with this woman, invite your man to go visit his mother on his own, but rather give them tickets to the theater. So the mother-in-law will be able to see your concern, and you can spend the evening without quarrels and conflicts.
Individual approach
If you are thinking about how to build relationships with your mother-in-law, try looking for the keys to her heart. First, always show her respect and show attention to her. Be sure to find out her recipe for this amazing cake. Offer your help, present any wardrobe item that suits her. Of course, you should not get carried away, but to ask for an expert opinion and take part in life is not only possible, but also necessary.
Who is the mistress of the house?
Another incredibly useful tip on how to communicate with your mother-in-law: at the very beginning of the conflict, think about where you are. In the event that you are on your territory, then tell the mother-in-law that it is you who rules the ball. Tell us about your desires and the rules that are in your home. This should be done as respectfully as possible. In the event that you are in the territory of the mother-in-law, where she is the mistress, in no case do not be silent: this will not help prevent a conflict. How to improve relations with the mother in law in this case? Ask clarifying questions. Try to find out what exactly you should consider, what rules should be followed and what it expects from you.
No insults
Never insult your husband's mom. How to communicate with the mother in law, which offends you? Be sure to call your husband and with his mother repeat her words. In addition, after this it should be added that her son chose you as a wife. So, insulting you, the mother-in-law insults your own son. We assure you that this will permanently discourage this woman from wanting to say offensive words to you.
Sympathy
Probably, every person at least once in his life heard folk wisdom: whoever is wealthier than he shares. For this reason, psychologists advise on the other hand to look at their own mother-in-law. If she shows you her anger, dislike or rejection, most likely she lacks love for herself. Try to discern in your husband's mother a small child who was not liked, mentally tell her that you are sorry that something makes her angry, that she is unwell. You do not swear with young children? They are simply accepted to be as they are. Try taking your mother in law.
Agree
How to establish a relationship with the mother-in-law? A tip that works impeccably: from time to time, simply accept everything that this woman tells you. For example, if she notes that you are too slow, you will certainly agree and add: your husband chose you just that, which means that he is satisfied with this quality.
How to make friends with the mother in law?
There are several ways to help you get along with your family. Please note: you do not have to love the mother-in-law as much as your own mother, you should not wait and treat you as a daughter. In the event that tender feelings do arise between you, accept them as a bonus from a successful marriage. Learn to see in the mother-in-law something good, creative, allowing you to balance its shortcomings. As often as possible, admire the mother-in-law, of course, out loud and with her, her talents and skills.