All children grow up, and there comes a turning point when the child is already a burden to live under the maternal and paternal wings. But how to move away from parents so as not to offend them and escape from custody? At what age is it better to do? What difficulties may arise after moving? You will find answers to these and other questions in our article.
Parent addiction
Before considering how to move away from parents and begin adulthood, you should understand what emotional dependence on parents is and how it can affect. Throughout life, dependence usually happens in four forms, although there are people who may miss one stage or not reach the last.
Stage of dependence:
- It lasts from birth and years to 12. During this period, children are very dependent on their parents, listen to their every word and advice. At this age, there is no one better for a child than his mom and dad. This is the most beloved time of all, as an idyll reigns in relationships. And, of course, at this time there is not even a need to move out from the parents.
- The most difficult period for parents and a child in a relationship is between the ages of 12 to 16 years. At this time, children begin to develop as an independent person. Opinion and advice of parents fade into the background. On the first are friends. The child begins to contradict, to prove the correctness of his opinion, sometimes he can act in spite of his parents, just to prove that he has already grown. This is manifested to a greater extent if parents do not keep up with the times. And the child just has nothing to talk about with them. Then he begins to wonder what time it is possible to leave from his parents and whether it is time to do it.
- This period may already be slightly easier than the previous one, it falls on the age of 16 to 25 years. Here, the child is already fully aware of what adult life is, can be responsible for their actions. At this time, the question of how to move away from parents at the age of 16 and older becomes relevant. At this age, the child is increasingly eager for an independent life.
- After 25 years, a person is already a fully formed personality. He respects parents, can, as before, listen to their advice, but only to the extent permitted. Already exempt from influence and guardianship.
Unfortunately, often a child lingers for a long time in the second period, or it may not come out of it. It happens that children skip the third stage and can immediately become an independent member of society. It depends on the upbringing of the parents and, of course, on how much the child grows with a strong personality.
Material dependence
What types can be addiction? Before you think about whether to move away from your parents, you need to determine what kind of dependence on them is. And it happens of two types: material and psychological. Both of them are solvable, but it can be much more difficult to fight with the first.
Material dependence arises through the fault of parents. If a child receives all his life what he wants and does not know the real value of money, then it will be difficult for him in material terms to start living independently. After all, it is not uncommon for parents to frighten a child by stopping financing of a child in order to keep the child near them. And, of course, then he develops only one desire (opinion) that he does not want to move away from his parents. He is comfortable and comfortable under such parental care. These children may never reach the fourth stage of maturation of addiction. But if the child is a strong personality, he will set himself the goal of breaking free from parental care and will easily find a way to earn a decent life without the help of his parents.
Psychological addiction
How to move away from parents at age 18? Let us first consider another type of dependence. Here again the fault lies with the parents. If they took care of their child too much, literally before the 11th grade they brought to school by the handle. That such a child will not soon adapt to an independent life. It is just convenient for him that everything is decided and done by his parents for him. Such children can only be in the first stage of dependence on parental care all their lives. If they realize the need for a separate existence, then even at a distance they will need parental advice and help.
Why does children become addicted? How do parents influence this?
In both types of addictions, all the fault lies with the parents. Although sometimes this can be done unknowingly, and sometimes in advance with special intent. For what reasons parents can behave like this:
- If the child is the last or late and only, then they are simply afraid to grow old alone. They worry that then they will have no one to give their attention and love to. And the apartment will settle monotony and boredom. And often this applies to the female half. Moms keep their children near them longer, while fathers, on the contrary, make children get to their feet faster.
- When parents are peculiar despots. Often there are such mothers and fathers who keep everything under their control. It can be bosses or businessmen. They are used to universal submission, therefore they keep their children under strict control. In this situation, the hardest thing is for the girl to move away from her parents. Since influential fathers are not ready to let their “princess” go free swimming.
- The child may not be ready for an independent life due to the strong custody of the parents. They are ready to carry the child in their arms and protect him until old age. In childhood, they protect their child from negligent friends, and practically do their homework for it. And do not let go of one until the age of 18. Everywhere they follow on the heels, just to protect their child from the evil external world. It will be difficult for such children to start living independently. Firstly, they will practically not be able to do anything, and secondly, parents simply will not let go of themselves anywhere.
Whatever kind of dependence and cause of the parents, one should get rid of it. Otherwise it will be difficult to merge into adulthood. It should be borne in mind that it is impossible to completely get rid of the attention and guardianship of parents, but you need to limit it. Of course, it’s easier to become completely independent only by separating from the parents.
How to identify addiction?
How to move away from parents? Before starting a new life, it is important to determine whether at least one of the above dependencies exists in the child in order to eradicate it and begin to live a full-fledged adult life.
What you need to pay attention to:
- Parents constantly intervene with advice, and they have to defend their point of view. In this regard, scandals follow each other.
- Or vice versa, a constant feeling of guilt before mom and dad for any disobedience. Frequent seeking advice.
- Work, clothing style, even the second half are chosen with the help of parents.
- Fear of introducing the parents and their chosen one, so as not to provoke a scandal or fear that the parents will not approve of the choice.
- If the child is already living separately and his parents will be visiting, then the general cleaning begins in the apartment, just to please the order. In a prominent place are only standing things. Home wardrobe is changing to a more decent one. All this is done to prove to parents their worth.
- Monthly financial support from parents and often at the right time.
How to get rid of addiction?
All this can only indicate that the child is not yet ready for a separate existence. He needs to start preparing in advance for adulthood, while still under the wing of his parents. You need to learn to defend your point of view so as not to offend your parents. Let them know - their child has already grown. And do it yourself without the help of mom or dad’s advice.
The first and most difficult thing is to learn how to support yourself. If parents do not relent and constantly provide financial assistance, then the money received can be put into a special piggy bank and live on their own money. The amount accumulated over the year can be used on vacation (better for parents, let them go to the sea). Moreover, we can say that these funds are earned independently, so they can see the financial independence of the child.
Try to find a way out of any situation on your own. If all else fails, then ask for parental help in the most extreme case. Do not call or run to mom / dad when preparing the first soup or decorating a children's room.
You need to get used to making all decisions on your own and bear responsibility for them. If the work or the second half was chosen by the parents, but they are not satisfied, then it's time to make your changes. To find another job to your liking and, of course, the love of your life, with which there will be a desire to pass all life's tests. And most importantly, do not be afraid to inform your parents about this and defend your choice.
Do not push parents away sharply!
But you do not need to abruptly push parents away from you. Yet they gave so much strength, love and time to education. Be sure to listen to their advice so as not to offend. And to do as it will be more correct. But be sure to explain your act and choice so that everything has a logical explanation, and not because you want it that way. Be sure to provide assistance to parents after moving. But within reasonable limits, do not run on the first call.
And most importantly, even if a child has decided to move and a choice has already been made where to move from his parents, he will not be successful if his son (daughter) has not completely freed himself from parental dependence. There will always be reasons why it is too early to start living separately. Indeed, it often happens that it is not the parents who do not let go of their children, and the child himself is not yet ready to go into adulthood.
Sample move plan
How to move away from parents? Often the first desire to live separately arises at the end of the transitional age, when the child already feels himself an independent personality and wants to assert himself further. How to move away from parents at 16? If such a desire has appeared, then everything should be done in stages and sequentially.
Sample plan for moving:
- Soberly assess the situation. Write on paper all the expected pros and cons of a separate stay. See which side the advantage is. If on the separate side, then, most likely, the child is psychologically ready to try to live independently.
- Be sure to consider the recorded cons - these are fears. They must necessarily come up with a way out in advance. For example, the fear that there will not be enough money, free time to maintain housing in order, and so on. Then you need to look for a job with a salary higher or a part-time job. Draw up the correct daily routine so that there is time for doing household chores on your own (now mom doesn’t cook the soup and does not wash dirty laundry).
- If you have to rent a house, rather than buying your own apartment, then for the first time it is better to arrange a rental for 2 months. If everything goes well, then you can arrange for three months. If everything will be fine here, then it is already possible to conclude a contract for a long-term lease.
- You should not rent the first apartment that comes across, just to move out. It is desirable that the price was attractive and the area is small. You can not even immediately away from parents, better closer to work.
- When moving, do not immediately take away all your belongings. You need to take only the most necessary. Since if the first experience of disconnecting from the parents is unsuccessful, then many things will not need to be transported back. Finding yourself without custody and parental advice, you should not start to panic if something does not work out. You need to figure it out on your own (you can ask friends for advice). It is necessary that parents understand that the child has grown up and no longer needs strong care.
After moving, if everything goes well, do not forget your parents. Visit them at least once a week. Invite to visit. Sometimes (to show that they are still important) you can ask for trifling advice.
What mistakes can be made when moving
Finally, the issue of the move was resolved and it was even determined what time to move out from the parents, and now there is their own (well, maybe not quite their own, but rented) housing, then it is worth avoiding certain mistakes. Let's look at them.
Common errors:
- The child was still not ready financially and psychologically to live independently. It can get into debt, not be in time either at work or at home. Totally confused in adulthood. After such an unsuccessful experience, you can stay with your parents for life.
- It happens that the move is associated with the choice of a rich second half. And in the end, from parental care and guardianship, you can fall into bondage to the relatives of the chosen one / boyfriend, where they will no longer ask, but command. And quickly there may be a desire to return back under the mother’s wing.
- Having got excited about moving and purchasing my own housing, a mortgage was issued. If you can’t cope with an independent life, the apartment may not be needed. And terminating the contract is not so easy, there will be financial losses.
- The move was a success, everything is stable financially, but frequent advice and help from parents can lead them to gradually move to live with their child and take care of him already on his territory.
Psychologists advice
How to move away from parents at age 18? Previously, it was this age that was considered ideal for starting a separate residence. The decision to disconnect from parents should not be made in the process of anger and scandal, but be weighed in a calm situation.
Having decided to move, you need to prepare yourself, as well as your parents, psychologically. Do not run for any reason to them (the salt is over, you need to wash the jeans, mom asked me to nail the nail and so on). We must try to do without parental help and let them get used to the idea that the child has grown.
If you began to be interested in the question of how to move away from your parents at age 16 due to a quarrel (this is often the case), then here you need to let your emotions cool. Since this is almost impossible due to financial dependence, and at this age the child is still not really ready psychologically. You can try to live on the territory of your parents yourself, without their help (learn how to cook, wash, solve problems, and so on).
When moving, it is important to be prepared to increase financial spending and learn to be psychologically independent, as well as properly prepare your parents and inform you in advance about the move. And do not forget the parents, go on a visit to their own and invite them.