"I hate mother-in-law" - this topic can often be found in family forums, and for good reason. There are a lot of jokes about the relationship between the two women, but in life everything is much more dramatic. Quarrels can lead to divorce, so many wives suffer in silence as much as they can, and some, less flexible and tolerant, arrange a real war with her husbandâs mother. "I hate my mother-in-law, what should I do?" - With such a question, the wives come to a family psychologist to maintain a relationship with their spouse.
Why is this happening?
Raising her son, the mother-in-law saw in him not just a child, but her own, ideal man, whom she had dreamed of all her life. Even if your spouse is in reality far from the idea of ââthe ideal man, for her he is the best. The mother-in-law invested in her son not only love, but also ambition. She had already looked for the best girl for him, which corresponds to her ideas about the ideal wife. And certainly the mother-in-law will oppose if the beloved son has a child from her first marriage. Then, when reality does not meet expectations, the mother-in-law begins the main song: "I didnât want your wife like that." She begins to bother her daughter-in-law, sawing and playing on weaknesses. Here's what happens in everyday life:
- Constant sharing between a beloved man - a son and a husband.
- Clarification of relations from the series "who is the mistress of the house."
- Different views on raising children when a grandmother stands between her son, daughter-in-law and grandson, dictating what, how and to whom to do.
- Different views on family life, household duties and leisure.
- A biased attitude towards a womanâs son, if he constantly criticizes her and compares her with her beloved mother.
Wife's mistakes
We will analyze the main mistakes that wives make most often:
- Numerous complaints to the spouse about the negative attitude of the mother and attempts to create a conflict that will show the daughter-in-law in a favorable light. This state of affairs will not only not improve the situation, but will also provoke a new wave of conflicts.
- Rude expressions, mate towards the mother-in-law in the presence of her husband and not only.
- Play for show, displaying feelings in front of the mother-in-law. Such behavior can hardly be called an adult.
- Constant and intrusive attempts to please.
- Reproaches in quarrels with her husband that his mother raised him unsuccessfully, made him a failure and all in the same vein.
- Gossip about mother in law with neighbors and friends.
- Excommunication of grandchildren from grandmother.
How to stop conflict?
If you, too, constantly repeat: "I hate my mother-in-law," the advice (what to do) sounds from the mouth of specialists as follows:
- Remember that the main weapon against the acrid attacks of the mother-in-law is tact and courtesy. Keep calm and don't let her get you crazy. If you are polite, she will have no choice but to stop attacking.
- Nothing unites two people so much as common interests. Invite your husband's mom to shop, to a cafe or a movie, or to aerobics classes. Perhaps, deep down, your mother-in-law does not want to grow old and wants to spend more time with younger people.
- The war with her husbandâs mother is lost in advance, even if the mother herself often spoils the life of an adult son, and he does not speak well of her. This is allowed to him, but not you. Mom lived with him all his life. Your complaints about the mother-in-law will ruin family life, not their relationship with each other.
- Do not try to take the palm of your mother. This is stupid. Why do you have to be in charge? You are not a mom, but a beloved woman. They run to mum-type wives for solace, for support and help, and then go to others to love them and win, surprise, give gifts. Women who become âmothersâ for their men are doomed to be content with very little of them: to be happy when he eats borsch and enjoy modest bouquets on March 8, and meanwhile they have to invest much more in these relationships. And the men next to them become weak and helpless. So let mom remain mom, do not interfere in the relationship between them.
- No matter what the mother-in-law tells you, no matter what valuable advice she gives, it is in your power to be annoyed about this, or to listen, nod, and do as you see fit.
- Accept the fact that the husbandâs mom is not fighting against you personally. She sees in you not the wife of her son, but a rival for his attention and love. The mother-in-law thinks that her son is no longer needed, begins to attract his attention in every possible way with heart attacks, a broken window or something else, which is enough for fantasy. This is a common manifestation of jealousy that occurs when a person lacks love. The simpler you are, the better. Call mom of the husband, consult her even for a tick. It is more important for her to feel her worth. Ask about her health, what she did during the day, tell the good news. This little thing can significantly smooth out the sharp corners in your relationship.
- Praise her and her husband. Another nice little thing is a womanâs trick and no fraud. Praise her pies, say that you would never have cooked it yourself, appreciate her dress or blouse, and tell her how valuable advice was to your son about her sweater. Praise your husband, what a wonderful, caring, wonderful father he is, working, and indeed, a man is a dream. And never do the opposite: complaints about her husband make her mother-in-law understand that she is a bad mother and could not raise a worthy man. The more compliments you make, the faster the relationship will improve, only sincerity is important.
- The mother-in-law is also a woman. Come to her with flowers, sweets, fruits or whatever she loves.
- Do not interfere in relations with the mother of the husband of the children - they are not to blame for anything. After all, even the world's most evil mother-in-law is simply a grandmother for them. Give them a happy childhood, not memories of constant fighting.
- Do not get personal and do not respond to insults, just agree not to inflate the conflict even further.
- Do not talk too frankly with your mother-in-law. Keep in mind that she can put everything in a favorable light for herself at your very first quarrel with your husband.
- Do not build revenge plans with other relatives.
Should a spouse know?
Another question that worries women: "Should my husband know that they constantly press me, and I hate my mother-in-law?" What to do, tell him about it or not? Professionals recommend the following. If these are minor trifles, then do not talk about them. Imagine what your spouse will feel like if you start to put pressure on him from two sides. Hint at a frank conversation with mom only if the mother-in-law attacks have been going on for more than one month in a row. However, if he has the worst relations with his mother , he probably will not have to wait for help. You need to solve the problem yourself.
Mother in law - mom
If every day you say to yourself: "I hate my mother-in-law," think about this: she is also a mother. Maybe too fanatical, but mom. Someday you too will become a mother-in-law or mother-in-law. No matter how bad, terrible, disgusting she may be, this woman raised your husband, whom you liked. After all, you married him, so she is not so bad as it seems at first glance. Just because she is the mother of your spouse, you should thank her and show respect.
Think about your mom
"I hate my mother-in-law and my husband, because he is so spineless, he doesnât take my side, he doesnât protect me, Iâm his family, I, not my mother." Have you ever been visited by such thoughts? Yes, perhaps you have many objective reasons to be angry at the behavior of a spouse who does nothing in this direction. But imagine the reverse side of the conflict: a beloved man constantly insults, humiliates your mother in your eyes, what is it? You probably wonât like this either, and you wonât hold back not to tell your spouse a couple of âaffectionateâ words in person. You will side with your mother, right? Then why should the husband behave somehow differently towards his mother?
Prioritization
I hate my mother-in-law, advice in the spirit of "breathe evenly" no longer helps, now what? Decide what is important to you. You have every right to hate if you want. But you can ask yourself why you are doing this. Turn on mindfulness, control emotions and thoughts. Imagine, every day you say to yourself, "I hate my mother-in-law," what do you get in return? The constant scrolling of negative thoughts in the internal dialogue worsens the physical and emotional state. It has already been proven that many diseases are based on grievances, such as, for example, cancer. In psychology, there is a whole section devoted to diseases and their psychological origins. This section is called "psychosomatics." If you repeat every day: "I hate the mother-in-law," and the advice of psychologists saying that you need to try to build relationships annoy you, then you harm yourself and your body first. This is the same as if you threw a wad of dirt at another person. It may not reach the addressee, but you are guaranteed to get your hands dirty.
Also, think not about yourself, but about your husband. How does this reflect on him? Initially, a big burden of responsibility rests with a man: he is a lover of money, father, husband, the whole family expects something from him. How does it feel to him when he comes home from work to hear once again: "I hate my mother-in-law, you have a terrible mom, again we quarreled, you know, but she ..." Do you really have anything else to talk about except quarrels, and your husband has no other problems? Do you want his mother to leave your life, or that everything in the family be calm?
Take off the imaginary crown
If the phrase "I hate mother-in-law" has become your motto, then you are still far from harmonious family relationships. Ask yourself a question about why your husbandâs mother did not please you so much. Of course, you can make a whole list on five pages, but accept the simple fact: the environment does not have to try to please you and live by your rules, meet some standards of behavior or live up to expectations. If you constantly experience negative emotions in relation to the mother-in-law, find fault with her actions, cling to words and complain to your spouse - you behave exactly the same way as she does. You are the same whether you like it or not. If you want to establish a dialogue, try to be tolerant towards the mother-in-law.
What to do to the man?
If the wife hates the mother-in-law, then, most likely, in the relationship between them there is understatement. Observe the behavior of two women who love you. If, for some reason, your mother believes that your wife is not a couple and is trying to get better with someone, then let her know that itâs better that you have no one for you, and this is your choice. Well, if conflicts occur on trifles, talk with your spouse and ask not to pay attention to momâs nit-picking.
Talk heart to heart
How to stop hating the mother in law? Talk heart to heart. Accumulating grievances is not the best way out. Try to find a common language, ask your mother-in-law to forgive you for something, explain that you love her son, thank him for being who he is. Ask to say that it does not suit you, speak out. It will be good.
Separate housing
"I hate my mother-in-law, we live together, I try my best, and still I canât please, itâs not so, itâs not so. My husband is tired, and so am I.â If this scenario about your relationship with your husbandâs mother, conversations and concessions do not help, then the best option is traveling. If you do not have the opportunity to buy a separate apartment, then you can find rental housing, and come to mom for the weekend. Do not forbid your spouse to visit the mother at another time or to talk with her over the phone. This will smooth out the conflict. If possible, do not interfere with your relations with the mother-in-law of young children, as they should not be held hostage by adult quarrels.
Golden mother in law
You donât have to say the phrase âI hate mother-in-lawâ if she has:
- Own apartment. You can go about your business or not, postponing them until better times, watch your favorite movie, order food delivery without moralizing that you are a slut and do not care what your husband eats.
- Spouse. The husband's mother begins to terrorize his family when she does not have her own personal life. If the mother-in-law is all right in her family, she simply will not have so much time to spy on her son.
- Daughter. As a rule, the problems of a daughterâs mother are much closer and more understandable than their sonâs, more attention is paid to her.
- Own interests. Another person does not need to eavesdrop and peep if his own life suits him. It doesnât matter what it will be: yoga, fitness, swimming, drawing, crocheting or your own business.
Hate for husband's sister
âI hate my mother-in-law and sister-in-lawâ is another problem of many married women. A husbandâs sister can become a problem when personal disorder is involved, and the brother was the only man in the family. In a family where a son was raised without a father, he is often forced to take on other male social roles: he is both a son, a husband, and a brother. The mother wants to see in him a support that she has never seen in a man if she loves her son. In this case, she may constantly ask him to come, even on a minor occasion. And if the relationship with the former spouse did not work out, and the appearance or character of the son resembles the father, then with a high degree of probability there will be constant claims that he would not do. Thus, an abandoned, lonely and unsettled woman does not make a complaint to her son, but to her husband. In her son, she sees the features of her husband, which did not suit her. This translates into constant scandals. In her daughter, especially if she is as lonely as the mother-in-law herself, she sees herself, her own problems, her expectations about men and demands that she be constantly helped. And in this case, it is very difficult to explain that the sister-in-law is an adult girl or woman who may already have her children. In the person of a mother-in-law, she is a victim, and a brother as a man should take responsibility for her. Such behavior provokes hatred of the sister-in-law. Not because she is bad, but because she should be helped to the detriment of another family.
Reviews
The reviews of those who have tried the recommendations of psychologists regarding the mother-in-law show that they work. In most cases, everything returns to normal after the husbandâs family begins to live separately from his mother. The most important thing is to often call and respond calmly if the spouse is absent from her mother-in-law. Then she will have no reason to feel abandoned and unnecessary. Even better if the children will accompany him. Time and patience help you get closer.
The reasons why daughters-in-law hate mother-in-law and vice versa can be a great many. This is nit-picking on the part of the husbandâs mother, and upbringing, and lack of tolerance for each other. But no matter how it is - this is a related conflict. You also say: "I hate the mother-in-law"? Psychologists' advice on what to do, collected in the article, can help overcome the negative. However, the choice of method is yours.