When getting married, a woman by default expands her circle of acquaintances, including all her spouse's friends in it, regardless of whether she likes it or not. If mutual sympathy between the parties does not arise, the young husband is at a crossroads - to meet his wife or to remain faithful to old friendships.
How does a girl establish relationships with her husband’s friends and does it need to be done? Find out why the struggle for the attention of a loved one with his friends can end badly and how to prevent a family tragedy.
Confrontation theory
Every man necessarily needs a field for self-expression - a society and a place where he could discuss topics of interest to him “uncensored” and expect an approval reaction in response. In a family, a guy asserts himself differently, and normally his behavior differs significantly from what is considered permissible in a male company.
At the beginning of marriage, while “old priorities” are still working in the relationship and the spouses are actively trying to defend their independence, friendship can come first for a man. He tries to prove to his acquaintances, and especially to his young wife, that the conclusion of a marriage is not a reason to change habits. Typically, this situation in the family lasts for the first year after the wedding, after which the husband finally inclines in favor of the side where he feels most comfortable.
Male friendship: protect or destroy?
The wife’s relationship with her husband’s friends is usually formed during the “first year” period, which is difficult for the family, and if the guy spends most of his free time meeting friends, it cannot be positive. A woman faces a choice:
- to leave everything as it is and accept the fact that the husband will often disappear outside the home;
- make friends with your spouse’s partners by introducing yourself to their company;
- to get rid of objectionable people, stopping her husband’s communication with them forever.
Having chosen an acceptable option for eliminating the danger, the girl must develop a tactic of behavior and follow it to the end. She needs to be prepared for the fact that, having felt the confrontation, the spouse's friends will try to pull the man to their side, and whether they succeed or not will depend on her personal efforts.
In some cases, male friendship can be the key to the success of the head of the family and bring him not only pleasure from communication, but also contribute to the development of his financial and social status. In this case, even if the husband’s friend does not arouse the wife’s sympathy, she’d better leave the negativity to herself and tune in to a friendly and respectful attitude to a new acquaintance.
Why do husbands choose friends
Unlike women, for whom friendship means the opportunity to speak out and be heard, men perceive friendly communication as an option for self-realization. In the company of like-minded people or in the company of a best friend, the husband can temporarily disengage from the role of breadwinner and family protector and again return to the emotional state preceding the marriage.
In what cases can a man prefer the company of comrades to the detriment of his family?
- immature character warehouse (infantilism) and unwillingness to take responsibility;
- the inability to behave at home naturally and naturally;
- low authority of the wife in the eyes of the husband;
- hysterical spouse and nervous atmosphere at home;
- a common hobby with friends that has been the basis of their relationship for many years (for example, fishing);
- unwillingness to cause condemnation and obtain henpecked status among acquaintances.
The husband may not be aware of the reason which drives him out of the house over and over again, but if this happens, the woman should look for a problem in her own attitude to family life, and not in the spouse’s communication with his friends. To deprive him of this resource by force means to doubt his masculinity and put him in a ridiculous light before his comrades. The husband, even obeying such a decision of the spouse, can harbor a grudge against her, which will necessarily lead to mutual disappointment.
Do not spoil a good friend's good friend
Women often complain that under the influence of their best friend, the husband changes dramatically for the worse - he begins to walk, drink and show aggression in the home. However, the ability to radically change the character of a person is not characteristic of even the worst friends. People do not change suddenly, and no external circumstances can force a man to smoke and drink if these bad habits abhor his inner convictions.
Those unpleasant features that a woman reveals in her spouse during his communication with friends, in fact, always have been the underlying essence of his nature, forming throughout life. But it’s easier for a wife to blame her unmarried or unencumbered spouse for all the misfortunes than to admit that the faithful himself is ready at the first opportunity to grab a bottle or run away to a party.
Before "weaning" a spouse from friendly gatherings, one must ask the question: is everything really so perfect in the family that having lost an outlet on the side - even in the form of "bad" friends - the spouse will happily spend all weekend at home? Perhaps, left alone and with problems that were only covered by external factors, the husband and wife will understand how little they connect and how, in essence, they know each other poorly.
The struggle for attention, which might not be
The complaints of the girls who faced a busy schedule of entertainment for their spouse sound the same: “I do not want to talk with my husband’s friends, but I can’t allow him to slip into treason or alcoholism under the influence of his friends.” As a result, the wife is present at men's gatherings, not receiving any pleasure from communication and overshadowing the fun of the whole company with her unhappy look. Or he sits at home, wrapping himself up morally and preparing the ground for another scandal.
In fact, if the girl bothered to be frank first of all with herself, this phrase would sound like this: "I will not allow my husband to devote his attention to anyone else but me." My wife is upset: she works just like her chosen one, takes care of household chores and would like to receive gratitude for this. In this situation, her husband’s meetings with friends are perceived by her as a betrayal. She is nervous, fantasizing, plaguing herself and her husband with phone calls.
After experiencing a difficult period of getting used to each other, learning to value their partner and his interests (and this comes with the years of marriage), women begin to regret this wasted time when they tried to control every step of her husband. Hours spent in nervous expectation leave forever, and the eternal scandals accompanying each spouse's return force him to look for new opportunities to leave home. It turns out a vicious circle: demanding more attention to herself and not knowing how to justify her right with anything other than reproaches, a woman pushes a man away from herself even more, and true friends become for him a salvation from an unbearable home environment.
Proper behavior with husband's friends
At the beginning of family life or before the wedding, that X meeting will surely take place, which decides the further position of the girl in the established friendly environment of her husband. If a new participant of gatherings will have to be “out of court” and friends will directly tell the guy about it, there is a 95% chance that he will stop inviting his girlfriend to the company.
How can a girl behave herself in a new society so that the friends of a loved one consider her a worthy couple to her friend and not plot against her?
- You should immediately present yourself as an integral part of the spouse so that friends do not even have doubts that from now on all their invitations and other issues will be considered not by one person, but by two.
- One must think before speaking and take the time to take sides in conversations, since behind each event in the company is a story that is not yet known to the new participant.
- You can’t flirt or single out any of your husband’s friends with your attention - this behavior of the girl will cause ridicule in his direction and will automatically impose a ban on her presence in this society.
- You should listen more and more often support your spouse in a conversation - this will give him confidence that his choice regarding a girlfriend has become the right one.
Most likely, other girls will be in the company of her husband’s friends. If so, then a newcomer woman should better enlist their location. Even if the guys do not advertise this in society, at home they always listen to the opinions of their girlfriends, and this factor can be decisive for the bride of their friend.
How to get your husband out of a "bad" company
If in a company of friends a man reveals only the worst qualities that make themselves felt in the home environment, the situation needs to be urgently changed. Deny the guy to communicate with such people will not work. Strong friendships between a husband and a friend are always justified on a deep psychological level. It remains only to cool the old friendship, drop by drop introducing into it doubt and mutual discontent with each other.
Here are some of the easiest ways to expel the spouse of “extra” people from the comfort zone:
- It is necessary to praise her husband more often, saying how positive he is and at the same time wondering how he finds something in common with such a gray mediocrity as his friend.
- From time to time, a girl can be hinted to her husband that his friend is looking at her, that she does not like his “greedy” look.
- If a husband’s friend makes a mistake, the girl needs to show her chagrin - more so that the friend’s behavior disgraces her lover.
- It is permissible for a woman during joint gatherings in a benevolent form to ask friends of the faithful “uncomfortable” questions, the answers to which will not put them in the best light.
And finally, the girl should always look good and look a little helpless - then any attacks by her husband’s friends in her direction will cause her husband to desire to protect her, to rebel against everyone.
Relationship with ex-husband's friend
Due to various circumstances, the marriage may break up, and some friends of the ex-spouse - may be sober-minded to take the side of the weak half. There is nothing wrong with a girl even after a divorce, continuing to communicate with her husband’s friend, albeit a former one, but sometimes mutual understanding develops into a stronger feeling. It’s much more difficult for guys to decide to follow it than for girls, because on one side of the scale the laws of friendship turn out to be for them , and on the other a love adventure that can either grow into a strong union and end in nothing.
For a woman, the possibility of a relationship with her husband’s best friend is not so much a matter of ethics as a contract with her own conscience. Short-sighted young ladies are ways to use such a move as revenge on the "former" or to forget with a person who "knows everything." For a girl who is serious, the opinion of the spouse left behind is important. The thought “what the former thinks” is held in the mind of a woman long after a divorce, and it is she who often becomes the reason that long-term friendship with her husband’s friend becomes impossible.
If the couple still decided on an important step, the girl should remember three important “nots”:
- never reproach a man for betraying a comrade;
- Do not compare life with a new guy with those relationships that are a thing of the past;
- not to allow the young man to think that he is being used as a weapon of revenge.
The option when men continue to be friends even after they have changed roles in relation to the girl is not considered the best. If men find a common language well, they will always be in solidarity to the detriment of anything, which means that a woman needs to be prepared for the fact that all conflicts in her new family will be considered through the prism of a failed marriage.
Psychologist comments
When getting married, the girl preliminarily sets herself up for the fact that new life circumstances will force her husband to change his attitude towards friends, giving them the second place on the scale of importance, but this opinion is erroneous. A man does not consider his marital status from the point of view of sacrifice; for him, marriage is a new component of a happy present that fits into other elements of joy, such as communicating with friends.
Not a single normal man will respond positively to the bride’s question posed during the period of premarital relations about whether he is ready to break with all friendly ties and find family happiness. A man simply does not understand how these two moments of his cloudless future can squeeze each other out and will be right in his own way. The mistake of many young wives is that after the wedding they directly issue an ultimatum: “Either I, or they!”, Without even realizing that the desired effect can be reached without squabbles and mutual accusations.
A well-groomed, affectionate, always playfully-minded wife who meets her husband in a good mood, no matter where he comes from, from work or from a friendly party, is the guarantee that men will earn new associations in a short time. It is not the bachelor’s apartment of a friend or cafe that will appear before his eyes when planning the next weekend, but a cozy house with a friendly hostess.