Unfortunately, the question of how to save a marriage worries more and more families. Conflict situations, controversial moments, misunderstanding and unwillingness to compromise fuel the situation in any family, and it is not surprising that at some point the couple is approaching the point where they are already talking about divorce.
What does it mean to save a marriage?
For most couples who are at that level of relationship when marriage is on the verge of breaking up, this question is likely to cause bewilderment. In their understanding, “saving the marriage” means preventing it from falling apart, helping the husband and wife to regain their old relationship or improve them.
In fact, this can not always be considered a real salvation of marriage. If the goal is just to save the family, then it looks more like ridiculous parasitism, because what is the point of sticking together if there is no joy or pleasure from it?
Relations of men and women in marriage in almost a hundred percent of cases suggest any difficulties, conflicts, the so-called crisis periods. If their pair passes competently, then the family only becomes stronger, the feeling of love and respect for each other grows, and, looking back, the husband and wife can understand what they went through to still be together.
But if any conflict or crisis period has shown that the couple does not get along, or the partners simply do not fit together, or love for each other is lost without the possibility of breaking out with renewed vigor, then an attempt to keep the family together will not save. This will be the union of two partners who will pretend that they are a family, and most importantly - I myself will believe that they are spouses.
The question of how to save a marriage cannot be approached selfishly. Saving a marriage is a set of actions aimed at ensuring that both partners are happy in their life together. If the spouses managed to find a compromise, solve the problem, survive the crisis period and it became clear to them that everything is fine, that they love each other and create a wonderful union, then yes - the marriage is saved. Otherwise, no.
Problems that lead to conflicts in the family
Some problems in marriage belong to the category of universal ones - those about which the older generation tells the quarreling couple that they also went through this. But there are problems that this couple manages to find, and solving such issues takes much longer. Consider the most basic causes of quarrels in married couples:
- Showdown on the topic "who is the main in the family." The classical understanding of the relationship "man - head, woman - neck" or "man - earner, woman - reliable rear" is beginning to fade away in modern society. Women want to engage in self-realization, they work on the same level with men, emancipation and feminism are flourishing. Therefore, the argument "he is a husband, and therefore the leader" is less and less heard in modern families. The struggle for power is destructive in any area of ​​life, not only in the family. Unfortunately, not all young couples are able to agree on the distribution of responsibilities. In fact, the ideal option is when both partners do not try to beat each other, but simply enjoy their relationship and work on them together, which extends to the performance of domestic duties.
- Insolent relatives. In Slavic culture, it is accepted that a family is not only a husband, wife and their children, but also grandparents, uncles, aunts and many unfamiliar relatives. It often happens that many of them happily interfere in the married life of a young couple, either with advice, or with curious questions, or with requests for help where this is inappropriate. If an outsider can simply be sent for a walk, then with relatives, and especially close ones, the situation is more complicated. But the fact is that they interfere, and the family swears. You need to be able to negotiate and set your boundaries.
- Different outlooks on life, differences in the idea of ​​family life. Such moments had to be negotiated before the wedding. For example, a guy wanted a child as soon as possible, but it turned out that the girl plans to devote at least several years to her career. It is much worse if a guy stubbornly stands his ground, not wanting to compromise: in fact, he had already decided in advance what kind of family life would be without discussing it with his future, and now already, wife.
The most common couple problems associated with divorce
All of the above can be solved along the way, or can be brought to such extremes that the result of the problem can be a couple’s divorce. Now consider the reasons why marriages break up, even if at first glance they seemed happy:
- The meanness of one of the partners in relation to another: a lie in some important issue, treason.
- Many are oppressed by gray everyday life. At first glance, everything is perfect: husband and wife, the house is in order, the children are well-groomed, no quarrels. But after a while the couple decides to disperse. Or he doesn’t accept, but both partners live as if they are neighbors in the same apartment or house, and not husband and wife. A constant routine can literally absorb a person: work - home - cook dinner - walk with a dog - learn lessons with children - take out garbage - once a year go to the sea and so on. No clearance, no new emotions. It is doubly difficult if a person is busy with an unloved thing in life. He also has to bear obligations that he does not need, because he could not realize what he wanted before - business, work that brings joy, a hobby that turned into work, and so on.
- Resentment at the partner. The reason can be absolutely any, from real to far-fetched. If we take an example from the last paragraph on an unrealized case: a husband can bear a grudge against his wife because he abandoned the idea of ​​opening, for example, a car workshop, because he decided that he couldn’t succeed and feed his family. This resentment may well break through after a few years, or even gradually come out over time in the form of unjust nit-picking, accusations without reason, exaggeration of real problems and so on. And in this situation, the relationship deteriorates, and getting to the root of the problem is difficult without the help of a specialist. In addition, one of the partners is not responsible for the independent decisions of the second.
"Risk Areas"
Psychologists distinguish several difficult periods in family life, the so-called crisis years in marriage. Surely many have heard the concept of a “crisis of three years,” which applies not only to marriage, but also to relationships in a couple as a whole. In practice, the periods of the so-called crises are absolutely not tied to a specific time period, since each person is an individual, and relations in pairs develop according to an individual scenario. For example, one couple can get terribly tired of everyday reality a year after marriage, and the other only three years later. Some families may not face any problems of crisis periods.
Let us consider in more detail what “risk zones” are distinguished by family psychologists:
- The crisis of development. It can occur when certain changes take place in family life: the very fact of the formation of a new family, the birth of children, the process of their growing up, and so on. Such events, even if they are pleasant, are considered a crisis, because a person experiences even a little, but stress whenever he encounters something new for himself.
- Crisis situation. Directly linked to the development crisis. When any events occur that concern a single family member or the whole family as a whole, disagreements may arise if it is not correct to respond to this situation. For example, if a husband lost his job, and his wife began to cut about it instead of competently supporting it, the crisis clearly overtook this family. At such a moment, the husband may well say something like: "If you no longer love me, let's divorce." After all, they are constantly reproached by a woman who used to always appreciate and support him, can be perceived precisely as the absence of past feelings.
Where does love go
Yes, that could also be. It happens that the phrases “If you no longer love me ...” or “You love me ...” are used as a way of manipulation. No one likes being pressured. For example, a spouse may say: "If you love me, then take out the trash." But it's not right. No normal person will use the feelings of a partner to receive any benefits.
Many are surprised at where love goes, because at first, many spouses sincerely love each other. Where do the divorces come from? Over time, many couples perceive their partner as a close friend: they are familiar with him, have trust in him, have common children, the opportunity to receive physiological satisfaction, and so on. However, a family is created on the basis of the love of a man and a woman for each other, and in theory, it is based on it in the future. If love has disappeared somewhere, you need to understand whether this is true, since many people can perceive their apathy and satiety with gray everyday life and the traditional routine as a lack of love for a partner. When a person is dissatisfied with his life, it may seem to him that he does not love anyone around him, including himself. And if all the same the love for the spouse or spouse really disappeared - why did it happen and can something be done to bring her back?
Love can evaporate if partners initially perceived each other incorrectly: created an ideal in their head, attributed to the partner the qualities of this ideal and fell in love with it. And then it turned out that the spouse does not correspond to the ideal.
When marriage makes no sense to save
It was said earlier that saving a marriage is not an attempt to save it simply “to be”, but a conscious work in the direction of solving problems in a married life with the goal of making a marriage real, strong and happy.
There are situations when a person involuntarily thinks about whether to save a marriage. For example, a couple has come to such conflicts that perhaps the best solution would really be a divorce.
Many women who have faced such a problem are concerned about the question: how to save a marriage if the husband has stopped loving? However, first you need to understand whether the spouse’s love really passed. If you can’t return her, it makes no sense to torture the partner by holding him close. The argument "we have common children" is not an argument. Will children be happy to live in a family where their parents are very cold? In fact, there is still no loving family. And the child in the future perceives the family precisely on the basis of what he saw her in childhood.
Also, it makes no sense to save a marriage if one of the partners is a real home tyrant, a sadist (even a moral one), an abuser, or a manipulator. This is a really neglected stage of deviant behavior, which cannot be corrected or can be corrected, but the abuser himself does not want this. For example, if a woman wants to keep a family with her husband, who regularly beats her up or constantly speaks out about her in a derogatory and insulting manner (especially in the presence of strangers), then one can raise a question about its adequacy.
Tips for saving a marriage
If you have weighed everything and made sure that your desire not to ruin your marriage is adequate, reasonable and altruistic in nature, then universal psychologist's advice on how to save your family will help you:
- Talk. Discuss issues honestly and in a timely manner. Try to build a conversation not in an accusatory, but in a discussion manner. Use “I” phrases to describe your feelings. "I was really worried when you came home drunk," not "You got completely insolent last week." “I don’t like it when you pick up plates from my bedside table,” and not “You get into my personal space.” Have you noticed that “You” phrases sound rude in such a situation and obviously do not help in solving the problem?
- Understand in advance who is in charge of the family. It would be wise to do this without debate on this topic. Just distribute family responsibilities so that everyone does what he does best. Practice shows that most likely, the leader in the pair will emerge on his own, and perhaps he will not even immediately realize that he is the leader. If you will maintain a certain equality - this is not only normal, but also excellent. We can say that pride and unfulfilled ambitions are unlikely to be the reason for the appearance of quarrels in your couple.
- Learn to admit your mistakes. If you understand that you have done something wrong, sincerely apologize and take steps to prevent this from happening again. But do not go too far: if you start to take responsibility for all conceivable and unthinkable flaws and mistakes, you will not be enough for a long time.
- Forget about trying to manipulate. It will not save your marriage.
- If the problem is that the routine dragged you on and you do not feel the former love for each other, try to revive it. Send the children to the children's camp, to the grandmother in the village or hire a nanny, and go for a walk around the places of your youth. Remember where you met, how it was. If there is no opportunity to visit such attractions (for example, you moved to another city), review the old photos, videos from the wedding. Create a romantic home atmosphere or rent a hotel room. Try to spend time pleasantly and cheerfully and make it a rule at this time not to think or talk about everyday issues.
Keep in mind that the above tips on how to avoid divorce and improve relationships are aimed at classic situations. If your problem is deep enough and non-standard, and even more so turning into a disaster, then you better seek the help of a specialist. It can also help in case of standard problems, if it is not easy to figure it out yourself. Such a specialist is a family psychologist. The consultation of a family psychologist helped more than one couple identify the real source of their problem, and as a result, find its solution and save their family.
Family psychologist: attend or not attend?
A specialist in the field of psychology will not give you an absolute panacea for all problems and will not tell you in detail how to save a marriage. His task is to push you to solve the problem, and before that - to identify it. Indeed, the true reason can be hidden very deeply, as in the example given earlier: the husband constantly criticizes his wife, and the deepest reason is the feeling of resentment against her.
If you decide to seek help, it is important to find a good family psychologist. Consultation involves a specialist talking with a couple, sometimes he talks with husband and wife separately.
Since saving a marriage on the verge of a divorce is a rather difficult task, it may take several meetings. This is absolutely normal practice, not a “pumping money,” as many skeptics like to say. Pay attention to the fact that the psychologist does not solve the problem for you, because a lot depends on what conclusions each spouse will make after the consultation, how responsibly the couple will follow the recommendations of the specialist and how much the partners themselves want to save their marriage.
Many people mistakenly believe that turning to a psychologist is something shameful. Negative associations with a psychologist are one of the most common causes of such a belief. Many of his supporters believe that the psychologist and psychiatrist are about the same thing, and they are afraid or embarrassed to seek help, because they think that this will signal their mental disorder. A psychiatrist and a psychotherapist really provide assistance to people with mental illnesses, including those with disabilities that require hospitalization and isolation of sick people from society. But the psychologist has a slightly different task: he works with people who are still able to help themselves, but with his participation. In other words, if the bitterness suffers from the fact that the husband has changed, this is to the psychologist, and if the tangible lovers of the husband who you only see and see clearly seem to be quite a psychologist.
Another common argument against psychologists: "The point is to go to him if I can talk about my problems with mom / girlfriend / sister / neighbor's cat?" It is, you can, but as a result of this story there will be a significant difference. Well, only if your interlocutor is not a good specialist in the field of psychology. A qualified psychologist, using leading questions, helps to find the source of problems and their solutions. A friend will listen and support, but the situation will remain. And the cat will mew at best in response to your complaints.
How a professional consultant will help
To the question of how to save a marriage, a family psychologist approaches from a professional point of view.
Firstly, he is well acquainted with typical situations when marriages collapse, therefore it is much easier for him to direct the course of the consultation in the right direction. He understands that there are periods of crisis, he sees his temperament by the behavior of a person, he knows how to analyze relationships in a couple by the way they sit and how they communicate with each other during consultations.
Secondly, a good psychologist never imposes his opinion and does not give advice. It is very important for a specialist to be able to direct the conversation and the train of thought of the client in the right direction. For this, leading questions are used. Of course, standard cliches from American films from the area "Do you want to talk about this?" or “What do you feel?” said in a bored tone is a completely unfortunate example of a psychologist’s work (at least for people with a Slavic temperament). But the direction is right. Guiding questions are needed in order for a person to draw a conclusion himself and voice it himself. If he voiced a ready-made conclusion and told in plain text how to solve the problem, in most cases a person may not understand, not all understand or not all remember. This is how our memory works: what we understood ourselves is much more firmly entrenched in it.
Thirdly, many older relatives, friends, and comrades with the intention of giving advice probably get into your conflict situation. A psychologist is just one of the people who are aware of your problem. But the specialist will behave correctly, tactfully, and in the end will also provide real help.
Summary
To save a marriage is not just to keep the stamp in your passport, but to make the life of both spouses in the family truly happy. There are situations when the problem lies on the surface, but either the spouses do not see it, or it is so veiled that one cannot do without outside help.
There is nothing wrong with consulting with a family psychologist. On the contrary, a good psychologist can help solve a conflict situation in the family much faster and more efficiently. But you need to be prepared for the fact that saving the family depends primarily on you. Nobody will solve the problem for you. The task of a family psychologist, and anyone else, is to help you, and not to do your job in your place.