The paradox of life is that ingratitude as a character trait is quite common. But luck is turned away from people with this quality, bad luck becomes their companion, and there is no harmony and peace in the soul. Why is this happening?
What is ingratitude?
To answer this question, we begin with gratitude. This is part of the culture developed by mankind. It manifests itself in the communication and relationships of people. Its essence is to appreciate the good done to someone and to express gratitude to the benefactor.
But often you have to face a lack of gratitude. At the same time, the beneficent does not express his appreciation in any way: neither in word nor deed. Ungrateful people take the money, emotions, or time spent on them for granted.
Moreover, the term “black ingratitude” is used in everyday life, when a benefactor not only does not receive words of appreciation in response to a good deed, but also feels a clear hostility from the person to whom the service was rendered. This attitude towards people for many becomes the quality of personality, condemned by all peoples of the world.
Ingratitude example
An example will best illustrate the concept under consideration. One of the villagers decided to support a neighbor who had many children. Their pale appearance indicated that they were clearly malnourished. Having a cow on the farm, the peasant began to give the guys two bottles of milk a day. And soon it became a habit.
But by autumn, the cow began to milk worse, and had to reduce the amount of milk. Children began to receive only a bottle. And then there came a time when there was no milk at all, and the owner of the cow had to apologize to his neighbor for the fact that he could no longer help his family.
But he was so offended by the refusal of help that he even stopped greeting. Instead of saying: “I thank you for the free help for such a long time,” the neighbor ignited the benefactor.
Ungratitude as a Serious Sin
The Christian religion perceives this quality as a vice. Ungratefulness is described in gospel parables. Everyone knows how Jesus cured ten people of leprosy. And only one of them thanked him for his wonderful salvation. There is also a parable about a snake, which the wanderer hid in his bosom to warm from the cold. She, being warm, stung her savior.
In ancient Rome ingratitude was considered a crime. Shackles were again put on shackles if he spoke poorly about his master. And Dante, a 13th-century Italian thinker known for writing The Divine Comedy, placed the ungrateful in one of the circles of hell.
It is believed that the quality discussed goes hand in hand with the main sins described in the Bible - pride, envy and hatred. Ungrateful people have high conceit. They sincerely believe that those around them should. Moreover, if they are offered less than expected, they perceive it as a humiliation: "How can you put a piece of cake without a rose on my plate?" They envy those who got the best pieces, are annoyed at the memory of events where, in their opinion, they were humiliated and insulted.
Famous people condemning ingratitude
Famous thinkers, writers and poets considered ingratitude to be an absolutely unacceptable quality of a person. So, Shakespeare said that there is nothing monstrous than ingratitude. And Goethe recognized this as a kind of weakness, emphasizing that outstanding qualities of this quality cannot be inherent a priori.
Pythagoras refused ungrateful nobility. And Stephen King compared a child with the described quality with a poisonous snake.
Other sayings about ungrateful people
Of course, the above is absolutely true, but, incidentally, is the idea that beneficence is not done for the sake of gratitude. For example, D. Mukherjee believes that if everyone is told about a good deed, then such a person cannot be called good.
And Seneca claimed that the beneficiary should tell about beneficence, but not rendered it.
In turn, V.O. Klyuchevsky, a Russian historian, wrote that the demand for gratitude is stupid. D. Carnegie emphasized that the benefactor should receive inner joy from self-giving, and not wait for words of appreciation. A. Decursel added to this that such an expectation is a trade in good deeds.
There are many attempts in history to explain the origins of ingratitude. So, according to F. Nietzsche, the consciousness of being obliged becomes painful for people with a rude soul. But Tacitus suggested that good deeds can only be pleasant when the person who is gifted is able to repay them. If they are exorbitant, then hatred arises towards the giver.
Unfortunately, ungrateful people, according to statistics, are quite common. The gospel parable does not accidentally indicate that only one out of ten is capable of appreciation for a service. But let's dwell a little more on situations where people, in principle, do not feel gratitude.
Meeting your own needs
A person may not be fully aware, but he is always annoyed by a sense of superiority on the part of the communication partner. Hiddenly, it can even cause unmotivated aggression. Excellence can be expressed in completely different ways: from verbal abuse to grin and condescending intonation. Imposed advices without a request - this is also an application for primacy: "I really know how ..."
A person who does good deed of his own free will, and does not fulfill the request of another person, must be aware that he satisfies his own needs and can hardly count on a positive reaction in response. Consider this phenomenon on the example of Oprah Winfrey. The highest paid TV presenter in 2007 presented all viewers with her car show. And what did you get in return? A huge number of lawsuits. Outraged viewers were unhappy that they demanded taxes.
If a person does something without asking, in fact, he wants to be useful to someone, necessary, but in accordance with a personal understanding of achieving the goal. It does not satisfy the needs of others, but its own needs. In this case, ungrateful people appear. Psychology in the context of the problem offers to consider only those situations where the benefactor performs a good deed in response to the request of a specific person.
The origins of ingratitude
Researchers of the human soul believe that ungrateful people become such from birth. This feeling is associated with generosity, greed, the ability to love and experience pleasure.
There are two most common points of view of the origin of the condemned personality trait. The first author is the famous psychoanalyst Melanie Klein, who passed away in 1960. The famous British believed that a feeling of gratitude is innate and manifests itself in the first weeks of life. If, while receiving breast milk, the baby feels appreciation, the forces of good will be the most important in him. If he only demands and does not show gratitude to his mother, the program of hatred and anger is laid in him.
Another scientist, Harry Gantrip, who left this world in 1975, gave a different answer to the question why people are ungrateful. In his opinion, this depends on the mother’s ability to love her child: to stroke, calm, and remove anxiety in time. Responding to the baby’s hunger, such a woman will not make him cry for a long time and ask for milk. If a child develops a frustrated need to eat (with frequent untimely satisfying needs), this indicates a manifestation of greed in the future. The gantry describes the phenomenon of internalization - the formation of one's own “goodness” in the presence of a “good” mother and “badness”, if one is perceived as “bad”.
In later life, perceiving ourselves negatively, when meeting with a generous person, our baby begins to feel even worse. Gratitude for him is associated with feelings of guilt and shame, and he simply blocks them.
Ungrateful - what are they?
Nietzsche described a phenomenon called resentment (translated - "bitterness"). We are talking about a feeling of hatred for the benefactor. This is the hostility of the slave in relation to his master who has let him go. Due to his own inferiority, weakness, and envy, the beneficent denies the value system of doing a good deed.
For example, the poor, who received material support from a wealthy person, begins to spread rumors about the unrighteous sources of income of the donor, his self-interest, including attributing to him the desire to receive absolution, etc., moreover, the more good is done, the stronger the blows which he is capable of causing. Popular wisdom on this subject is clearly visible in a saying that you can simply start, because everyone knows its end: "Do not do good ..."
The word "ungrateful" often characterizes sad people. They are dissatisfied with life, they feel worse, they often get sick and live much less than others. It turns out that life itself returns the negative to them by boomerang.
How to communicate with an ungrateful person?
Psychologists advise excluding such people from their communication. Recognizing that they really exist, we must understand that in their face we find surrounded by especially envious, hostile and often quite mean people.
If communication is impossible to avoid, you should understand what is behind this act: unwillingness to be in debt, the imposition of a service that was not claimed by them, or a sense of insolvency. There are people who prefer to help others, but who do not want to be indebted to someone themselves. And the relationship should be built depending on the cause. It is not necessary to provide services without request and do anything in the hope of gratitude.
Good must be done just like that. If you wait for something in return, you will definitely have to experience disappointment. A person who does good deeds must act as if throwing a coin into the river that cannot be obtained back.
How to develop the quality of gratitude?
It is very important to be grateful ourselves, because this quality makes us happy. Scientists conducted an experiment: three groups of subjects were asked to record the events of their lives over time. The first recorded good and bad deeds. The second are only problematic, and the third are pleasant events for which they thanked their benefactors. It turned out that the words "thank you" can work miracles. The subjects from the third group improved their physical and psychological state, attention was focused exclusively on good.
Only gratitude, felt by the heart and reinforced by the action, positively affects the person and strengthens his relationship with others. As an act, you can make a gift, offer a return service or money. The main condition is that gratitude be sincere.
Instead of a conclusion
Two groups of high school students were given the task of writing an essay on their main achievement in life. The first to be informed that the best works will be read for everyone. The second was offered to do the work anonymously. In the works read in the audience, many words of gratitude were said to teachers, parents, and trainers. In the second group, the guys described how long and hard they went to their first victory in life, selflessly overcoming obstacles. And how would you write?