Everyone is faced with worries about incorrectly spoken words or committed acts. In a rush, they said something offensive to their own person, without thinking, they did what they later repented of. Everyone has a lot of such situations in life. And everything would be fine, but only about each of them reminds us of our conscience. And she has no statute of limitations. You can remember that event for years and even decades. Today we’ll talk about how to get rid of shame.
About the main thing, about the eternal
We can not admit to anyone what we have done, not ask for forgiveness, or maybe the act went unnoticed by others. And only you yourself remain his witness. And sometimes it is even worse than public condemnation and sincere repentance. Time goes by, and the unfinished situation continues to plague a person. Psychologists call this condition an incomplete gestalt when you again and again face feelings of guilt or shame until you turn to face it. Only after living this situation to the end, you can free yourself and start living for real.
Psychologists know well how to get rid of shame, and teach their clients this. But far from always a person wants to seek advice, trying to help himself on his own. It is also possible, and today we will study this together.
Source of problems
If you feel that life has ceased to please you, that every day you live in the vain hope that relief will come tomorrow, but this does not happen, then the time has come for internal psychotherapy. Speaking about how to get rid of the feeling of shame, we mean not even mental torment. These thoughts usually come in the evenings, at the moment when you are not too busy with work and prepared to relax. But instead, anxiety overwhelms you. Anxious thoughts and feelings of shame can eat from the inside.
Surely you heard that all diseases are from nerves. But not everyone is trying on it. But psychosomatics cannot be discounted. Have digestive problems begun? Are you plagued by headaches and anxiety? Exacerbated old injuries? It is possible that this is due to our inner experiences. If the same episode is constantly spinning in memory or it is repeated in dreams, then it is worth considering how to get rid of feelings of shame or guilt.
What it is
Speaking about the feeling of shame, we, first of all, mean experiences that are associated with past events, made or, conversely, imperfect actions. We will not talk about crime and punishment, as well as morality. This is a slightly different aspect of the problem under consideration. The sense of shame in psychology has been studied for a long time and very carefully. First of all, because it has a huge impact on human life and self-awareness.
Let’s bring up the concepts of “shame” and “guilt”. They are very similar, but, nevertheless, have differences. They have one nature - this is something done by man. But if shame in psychology is considered a social phenomenon, then guilt is a very deep personal experience. That is, if the act had witnesses, then the person becomes ashamed. And if he is alone with his experiences, then guilt is formed.
Good or bad
Is it bad if a person has a conscience, you ask. After all, do not feel remorse for the deed can only the most inveterate criminal. On the one hand, you are right. But a strong sense of shame is rather a negative phenomenon. We will not talk about the severity of the offense, because this is already a special case. But often conscience does not help to live, but, on the contrary, causes significant harm, leading to nervous breakdowns and diseases.
For better or worse, the act has already been completed, and this must be taken for granted. A strong sense of shame is often not long in coming. It constantly reminds of what happened, as well as of retribution awaiting in front. Here, everyone can understand different things, some expect material losses, someone will expect a “boomerang effect” or flour in the afterlife. Regardless of what the punishment is for your consciousness, waiting for it often becomes an unbearable test. A person leaves his job, breaks off relations with family and friends only because he could not forgive his mistakes.
A strong sense of shame acts destructive. You cannot learn to live with him; you need to find strength in yourself and forgive yourself for what you have done. Of course, it is best explained with the opponent, but this is not always possible. That person may be out of reach, or already dead. It is possible that you have long been forgiven, and you continue to experience torment and remorse. You can get rid of shame if you really want to.
Where does it come from
"We all come from a terrible childhood." So said the famous psychotherapist S. Kovalev, and this phrase does not lose relevance. The constant feeling of shame sometimes comes to us from there. Remember the endless “Shame on you ?!” for spilled tea, torn jeans, for staying in the yard, did not get the top five in mathematics. And many, many more for what. Parents reproach us for spoiled textbooks and clothes, complaining that now we will have to work in two jobs.
That is, the child's burden of guilt is growing. He did not go to school yet, but is already to blame and owes to the whole world. Of course, he will form a feeling of shame, since there are so many prerequisites for this. How does this affect the personality of the child? Very simply, he gets used to the idea that he is bad and does only evil to his family. Moreover, he does not have the right to accept gifts and courtesies, otherwise they will later blame him and be sure to ask for statements about what he did with this. You can talk about guilt and shame indefinitely, this problem is as old as the world.
Why do we instill guilt in childhood? Everything is very simple: it’s easier to control a child. Our parents were brought up like that, they handed the same stamps to us. And we will plant them in our still healthy children.
Learning to live in a new way
Is it possible to live without being tormented by a feeling of inferiority? Living in a new way, forgiving yourself and knowing how to ask for forgiveness from others? How to overcome the feeling of shame and give yourself the opportunity to "breathe fully"? It is no secret that we ourselves model our fate. We build it with our behavior and actions. And all the negativity that takes place within you will attract a similar one from outside. As a result, one should not be surprised at problems and failures.
The balance of your inner world is broken. There is no harmony in it, and troubles will be attracted, like a magnet, by your sense of your own worthlessness. Let's learn to live differently, in harmony and without guilt.
Who is to blame and what to do
Let's get to practice now. How to get rid of shame for the past? First you need to figure out whether this feeling is true or false. If you really committed a bad deed, you will have to turn to face him and admit it. It is not enough just to admit, you need to apologize and compensate for the damage. But it is worth noting that in some cases this does not work. Or it works, but not completely. There are practical recommendations of psychologists who will tell you how to get rid of feelings of shame and shame.
Recommendations
- First you need to understand the reason why you experience this feeling. Take actions that can atone for your guilt. Now the hardest part. You need to try to forgive yourself. It may not be easy, but you have already done everything possible to be forgiven. Why continue to torment yourself.
- Psychologists recommend not hiding from the situation. Do not get away from the troubles that happened because of you. Make better efforts to rectify the situation.
- Learn from your mistakes by solving problems as an adult. It will temper your character. In addition, if you really lived through the situation to the end, obeyed and accepted your responsibility for the consequences, then this will save you from an endless sense of guilt.
- No need to shoulder all the troubles of the world. Try to really assess the situation.
- Learn to open up and not keep all emotions in yourself. You can definitely find facts that to some extent will justify you.
- Take the opinion of people not as an insult, but as an impetus for improvement.
- Never take someone else's fault for your own. Your self-torture here will be groundless, and the situation will be hopeless.
Self-esteem
This is a very important point. High self-esteem is not very good and also suggests problems. It is necessary to adequately assess their strengths and role in public life. But if you are talking about how to remove the feeling of shame, then the question of working on self-esteem comes first. The more you are dependent on the opinions of others, the more you will feel guilty and shameful. Use auto-training, because a self-confident person will be much calmer, he will make fewer mistakes, and the less likely that he will have to suffer from shame.
The first step to working on self-esteem is a success diary. Take a beautiful notebook and write in it at least 10 points, on which you have done well today, did a great job, and the like. It can be anything. Repeat the work the next day. Now the most important thing. At the weekend, you need to take a little time and carefully read the 70 points in which you were the best. This is an excellent piggy bank, which contributes to the growth of self-esteem.
Effective exercises
We continue to work on self-esteem. Since you cannot get rid of guilt and shame overnight, you need to go to the results gradually. Psychologists recommend the following exercises:
- The first exercise is the ability to love yourself. Not all people can have the proportions that are ideal in terms of fashion. In the individuality lies the special beauty of people. Do not like overweight - sign up for the gym, consider yourself a loser, open a photo album and look for happy moments. Believe me, you are surrounded by many people whose problems are much more serious in comparison with yours. And many of them manage to smile and be constantly in the spotlight.
- "The publication". To strengthen your self-esteem, you should work on the image. It is enough to carefully choose an outfit, make a hairstyle, and you will begin to catch admiring glances on yourself.
- Say no to your fears. Get on the bus near the driver, facing all the passengers, boldly look around the passenger compartment and smile warmly. Afraid of speeches - try to make a short speech.
- Learn to forgive yourself. A negative result is also a result. The main thing is that you have tried.
Learn to smile in any situation. A sullen person, unhappy with everything, will never be successful. Hence the fears, mistakes, shame.
Overcoming Shame
What does psychology tell us about this? How to get rid of shame with the least loss for your personality? There are several steps that you will have to do:
- Take a blank sheet of paper, sit back and close your eyes. Remember the event that causes you to feel guilty. Now open your eyes and try to describe it as thoroughly as possible. Try to avoid evaluations of your actions by others, and do not stick labels yourself.
- At the end of the story, try to identify the reasons that pushed to commit this act. This may be a subjective view, but then you thought so.
- Close your eyes again and imagine the cage inside. Feelings live in it. Somewhere here is a sense of shame. It came to you as a teacher, and you locked the cage, which is why you are now suffering. Open the front door and see what happens. After that, open the back door and let the wind of change freely break into it.
- The sheet on which you set out all your sorrows must be destroyed. You can come up with a way yourself, but it’s best to burn it and dispel the ashes.
- You can finally get rid of guilt by sharing your deeds. It is best to do this in a church, that is, repent to a priest, or go to a psychologist.
- Has a person suffered in your story and you cannot compensate for the damage? Think about how you can repay the debt. Even if the person is no longer there, he still has relatives who have everyday needs. Perhaps you can help one of them in word or deed.
- And the last step is to forget everything.
What if sinister thoughts visit you again and again? Do the job again. You will be surprised, but an imaginary cell can be locked again, and again an image swirls in it. Repeat the exercises and soon notice that thoughts begin to visit less and less, and the soul has become much calmer.
I am the universe
No matter what happens, you cannot treat yourself as a lost or worthless person. As soon as you get rid of guilt, harmony and calm will return to your life. Of course, there are ordinary cases that are much easier to resolve. For example, how to get rid of shame after drinking? Indeed, going over it, you can behave not quite adequately, for which in the morning it is very embarrassing.
First of all, do not hide from those with whom you drank. The more you wind yourself up, the more difficult the first meeting will be. It is best to take soft drinks and go to visit someone. Try to turn the incident into a joke by letting go of a couple of jokes about last night. If you did not drink alcohol, then most likely the memory will be slightly blurred in the rest.
If you allowed yourself to drink, then accept the consequences. You have not become worse, but for the future you need to decide for yourself not to drink a large amount of alcohol. Then such troubles can definitely be avoided.
Instead of a conclusion
Feeling of shame or guilt is a strong and sometimes decisive factor that dictates how your life will be and how much you can enjoy it. If you want change, then it's time to start working on yourself. Only at first glance does it look complicated. In fact, psychotherapy is an immersion in oneself, creative research and mild correction. And the results will please you, because they will allow you to qualitatively change your life. Many say that after such work, life begins to play with bright colors, and even the most ordinary things begin to give pleasure.