An institution such as a family has been studied for centuries and there are still many nuances that cannot be fully explored. It is quite difficult to determine what a family is, because there are countless numbers of these concepts. The most common option is the union of two people who are united by a desire to be together. A priori, a family can be considered complete only when a child appears in it. What is the reason for the crisis of the modern family?
What is the point?
A definition is just a couple of sentences that seem as simple and straightforward as possible. In fact, everything is much more complicated, richer and more intense. In one union, built on mutual love, you will not go far. The process of forming a family and strong trusting relationships takes not a week or two, it goes on all life. Roughly speaking, as long as the family is alive, it will go through the stages of forming family relations one after another.
A specific crisis is inherent in each of the stages, as sometimes partners encounter a lack of understanding of the processes taking place inside the cell of society. To determine if your couple has found a family crisis, you need to figure out what scenario can form family ties. If partners will know what is happening in the family, they will be able to better and more productively respond to the crisis and difficulties.
Conflict situations are resolved much easier when partners imagine at what stage of development their relationship is. It will be much easier for the parties to understand the processes occurring in the life of the family and try to turn all the negative in a positive direction.
What is a family life cycle?
Simply put - this is the story of the life of the family, its development, the regularity of family events, its own dynamics, and so on. The causes of the family crisis lie in these same cycles. This life cycle is built from family events, which can be defined as the most significant for the couple and their children. These processes have the maximum impact on changes in family structure. The family cycle - this is the totality of events that occur throughout life and form the stages of the life cycle of the family.
Family Stages by E. Duval
The life cycle of a family consists of eight stages, which are based on two functions of the family - educational and reproductive. These stages depend on factors such as the presence or absence of children in the family, as well as their age. So, the crisis in the family over the years may be as follows:
- The period of formation of the family, at this stage there are no children (0-5 years old).
- The period of childbirth, when the age of the firstborn is not older than three years.
- The next period is when children become preschoolers, the age of the first child is not older than 6 years.
- A family with children of school age, the first-born is not more than 13 years old.
- The period when children become teenagers. This period of time suggests that the age of the oldest child is from 13 to 21 years.
- A family that “releases” children from its nest into adulthood.
- The next period - the husband and wife go into adulthood.
- The final stage is an aging family.
These stages can be considered basic, but certainly not the only correct ones. Not every married couple can be considered precisely through this classifier. Still, absolutely every family is individual and there are many family groups in which relationships cannot be attributed to any of the classifications known to us.
In any case, no matter what the family, no matter what specific features, at a certain stage of the life cycle it encounters difficulties and crises typical of the current stage. We all know that he is knowledgeable, that is, he is armed. Knowing these stages of crises will help to cope with them much faster and easier. If the situation is too complicated, then it will not be out of place to turn to a family psychologist. In Moscow, this will not be any work.
What could be the problem?
The most common option, according to psychologists, is that family members cannot smoothly and gradually develop from one stage of family relations to another. This may be due to the fact that one stage overlaps another. These include divorce, re-wedding, the presence of children from a previous marriage and the like.
In fact, it turns out that the family seems to live in two stages at the same time and cannot get out of this transitional state. You can give an example: in a family with two children (one of them is a small child, and the second is a teenager), problematic situations arise that are characteristic of both phases of the development of family relationships. From here new difficulties appear, fears in the implementation of not only parental, but also marital functions.
Here we can conclude that the stages in the development of family relations are determined by the totality of relations that develop between members of this family. After all, only formally a family exists from the moment of marriage registration to the dissolution of the union. At the psychological level, everything is much more complicated. A crisis can happen during that period of life when the solution of problems characteristic of one period becomes impossible, and this entails the need to move to a new stage. At the same time, the new stage carries with it new functions and tasks, but the unresolved problems of the past will also not go anywhere.
Typically, such steps require a review of the entire family relationship system. During this period, roles and responsibilities in the family can be redistributed. But this does not happen in a matter of hours or days. That is why at such moments the family is faced with an absolutely logical crisis in the relationship that accompanies them during the painful transition from one stage to another.
What are the stages of family life?
Each family in the course of its life lives through certain stages, to one degree or another characteristic of all. All sorts of crises are connected with these stages, so we will deal with each situation more specifically. Periods of crisis in the family can be as follows.
The period of courtship and the birth of a relationship
At this stage, individuals are working on gaining experience in communication with the opposite sex, are engaged in the choice of a future spouse, learn emotional and business interaction with them. Someone this period is delayed for a sufficiently long period, someone is trying to get married prematurely. Such behavior can be influenced by completely different factors, starting with family relationships, ending with the financial side of the issue.
Marriage and the initial phase of a relationship
This crisis in the family after the birth of a child occurs almost immediately. After marriage, the newly made spouses must realize for themselves what has changed in their position and social status, develop certain rules and foundations, and identify the boundaries of the family. For example, which of the acquaintances of both spouses should not be “allowed” into the family? How often can friends visit? How will the couple live and relax without each other? It should also discuss the boundaries of interference in the relations of parents of both parties, and so on.
At this stage, both social and emotional, sexual and other problems arise. This life cycle can be characterized by a change in the feelings of the spouses in relation to each other. A young family is just starting to gain experience in general life, roles, responsibilities and much more are being distributed. Also at this stage usually discussions of career issues and a decision regarding the birth of the first-born are usually held.
Particularly acute is the issue of family crisis in modern society, where family relationships are depreciating.
Small family with small children
If at the previous stage we shared the roles that relate to everyday topics, then here comes the time to resolve issues related to fatherhood and motherhood.
The birth of a child is a new condition for the life of the family. There are much more intense physical and psychological stress, which should also be coordinated. At this stage, the young couple begin to exercise their parental function. In almost every family, the formation of a parental position is a turning point that entails a crisis for both parents.
Not only newly minted mother and father can boast of new roles, their parents are already becoming grandparents. The most common problem characteristic of this period is the issue of the self-realization of the mother, since usually at this moment her activities are limited exclusively to the family and the child. As a result of this, a feeling of dissatisfaction arises, envy for a more free and active life of the spouse may appear.
A crisis in a relationship can only grow and develop, marriage will begin to break down as the wife's demands for child care grow, and the husband, in turn, decides that children are a hindrance to his career.
Middle-aged family with growing school children
Oddly enough, but the period when a child begins to go to school is often accompanied by the onset of a crisis in family relations. A serious conflict between parents provokes the fact that the "result" of their educational activities becomes public. At this stage, parents for the first time admit the idea that the child will someday grow up and leave the family nest, and they will have to stay together. The middle-aged crisis in the family is one of the most difficult stages.
Mature family
When already adult children leave the house, the spouses begin the stage, which is considered a midlife crisis. Children go to study, acquire personal relationships and are less likely to appear at home. Here comes the realization that it was they who played a paramount role in the life of the spouses. Perhaps it was because of them that the parents maintained good relations with each other. They were united by love and concern for their native children, and now this common common interest is increasingly appearing within the walls of the parental focus.
In this period of time, the couple may find that they simply have nothing to talk about with each other, there are simply no other points of contact left. Now there is time to discuss old differences, problems that have not been resolved or have been temporarily postponed due to the birth and upbringing of children are exacerbating. Especially tight is a family in which there is only one parent. For him, the departure of children from the family can be a signal to the beginning of lonely old age.
According to statistics, the midlife crisis is characterized by a large number of divorces. During this period, the couple begins to feel that they are losing love, a feeling of disappointment appears, and satisfaction with the marriage slides to zero. Here begins a round of betrayal, ongoing conflicts, spouses begin to review and evaluate the results of their lives, try to set new life goals, look for opportunities for personal growth.
Aging family
It is most often characterized by retirement age, when spouses work either part-time or do not work at all. This stage is characterized by a new round in relations, feelings for each other are renewed, family functions take on a new look.
The final phase of the family cycle
This stage is characterized by uneven aging processes of the husband and wife, as well as the loss of their former capabilities. During this period, professional activity completely ceases, which can be a great stress for both spouses. As practice shows, it is much easier for women to adapt to a new status. They all also retain their status as the mistress of the house. And if the role of the husband was limited to the role of the breadwinner, then the cessation of work can serve as a feeling of lack of demand in the family.
During this period, children are of great importance. Emotional support and care for elderly parents depends on them. If parents are faced with serious illnesses, they often have to change jobs and so on. Another problem that spouses have a hard time in this period of life is widowhood and the formation of a new role-based model of behavior.
The crisis of the family. Psychology
But no matter what types of crises exist, one must adequately understand that no conflict situations appear from the air, simply because a certain period has come. Negativity builds up gradually, as gradually as your relationship began. Psychologists distinguish the following stages that characterize the growing conflict situation in relations:
- Irritability from scratch and persistent neurosis. Initially, we do not pay any attention to this factor, many write off the influence of some external events. But this is not entirely true, do not underestimate this fact in family matters.
- One can often consider such a situation when the spouse begins to think that his life is now boring and uninteresting, and the desire for previously set goals is reduced. The wife begins to concentrate on this and indicates to her husband his changes. Here disappointments in the partner begin, the woman begins to think that she does not live her life with the one she needs, and this already entails a wave of conflicts.
- One can not ignore such a factor as pettiness. The wife in this situation begins to demand as much money from her husband as possible, and he, in turn, ignores these requirements. Here, a man can admit such an idea that life is living with the wrong lady. The only way out in this situation is to figure out why this happens, why the spouse’s interest disappears and how to change the current situation.
- The most dangerous stage is characterized by a complete lack of control over oneself by the husband. At such moments, he can even hit his woman, here already in a relationship begins a complete mess. The wife lives in constant fear and stress, closes in herself, loses confidence. One of the most unpleasant outcomes of such a situation is an attempt to solve the problem with alcohol. If a man allowed himself to raise his hand against a woman and more and more often cannot control his emotions, then there is only one way out - only to part.
Usually this happens only if the problems accumulate one after another, so do not be shy and do not be afraid to talk to each other.
How to be in a similar situation?
So, the crisis is on your doorstep, what should be done so that it goes away as quickly and painlessly as possible?
- To begin with, remember that you should not be afraid of expressing your own feelings, express emotions and say out loud what worries you. Often the problem can be solved by open dialogue, rather than quiet insults. Only during a conversation, remember that you should not hysteria, reproach your husband in all troubles, put the blame on him and so on. Do not use the same words in your speech as “because of you”, “you are to blame” and so on. It would be more correct to say that it is very difficult for you, it seems to you that you are no longer loved, but in no case should this be an accusatory speech. Do not shout that your husband purposely arrives late at home, do not blame him for the fact that it is impossible to wait for any help from him, and most importantly, forget about the phrase “You do not love me!”.
- Discuss with your spouse all questions and disagreements that you have in the process of building a relationship. Your task is to find a compromise in this situation. For example, if it’s hard for you to do everything, then compile a to-do list and discuss with your chosen one who will do what and so that there are no disagreements.
- Do not try to manipulate your husband or blackmail him, remember all the good that was between you. It is better to contact a family psychologist. In Moscow, for example, a huge number of them.
Many couples face the crisis, and most have successfully emerged from it. Remember that you can handle everything too.