Man-manipulator is ... Definition, characteristic, methods of influence, how to communicate

In society, you can meet completely different people. Some communicate sincerely and openly. And others hide their motives and act stealthily. One of these is a manipulator man. Who is this and how to communicate with him, the publication will tell.

Definition of concepts

The word "manipulation" from the Latin language is translated as a manual technique or a handful. Indeed, a person who knows how to manage people can be called a puppeteer. He, as if pulling the strings, achieves everything he wants. Manipulation is a type of psychological impact. With skillful execution, it leads to the emergence of another person's intentions that do not coincide with his actual desires. Manipulation can be psychological, social and even physical. She always goes to another person in order to benefit at someone else's expense. As a result of the impact, a person begins to perceive the thoughts inspired by him as his own.

Thus, the following definition can be given to a human manipulator. This is an individual who secretly rules others, inspires them with his opinion and uses people to fulfill his desires. Often a person does not understand that they are being controlled. Moreover, even the manipulator itself may not be aware that it is a puppeteer.

Manipulation Examples

In everyday life, people face stealth control almost daily. E. Shostrom describes this very well in his book Anti Carnegie, or the Manipulator Man. This is an American psychotherapist, psychologist, a supporter of the humanistic trend and a student of A. Maslow.

Every day, the desire of people is professionally managed by alluring and vibrant advertising signs. For example, a competent travel agency poster that depicts a happy girl on the beach with a glass in her hands can make you think about vacation, even if such thoughts never crossed my mind. Many people get tired of the constant crush in the subway and city noise. Seeing such an advertisement, they begin to think that they definitely want to go to the sea and willingly buy tickets to warm countries. Travel agents skillfully use these human weaknesses.

You can give an example with colleagues. In almost every team there will be at least one person who quietly shoves his duties onto others. How can you refuse a request? After all, this is a friend, and he needs help. Although communication does not even go beyond the workplace, not everyone understands this.

Man-manipulator can be found even at home. Relatives often put pressure on pity and try to arouse guilt in order to achieve what they want. Those same children begin to cry when they want to watch a cartoon or another show on TV. Parents give up and follow their child’s lead. Similar examples of covert control can be cited endlessly.

How manipulators work

Puppeteers use many methods to get what they want from their victims. Manipulators deceive, remain silent, emotionally crush and provoke a feeling of pity. They deliberately downplay their own and others' dignities in order to gain power and authority. There are even those who cry at every meeting that everything is bad with them, although in reality in their life everything is working out perfectly.

In the actions of a human manipulator, several stages can be distinguished.

1. First, he probes the victim's weaknesses.
2. After begins to actively use them.
3. Applying psychological manipulations, the puppeteer convinces him to abandon something in favor of his personal interests.
4. He will act according to the established scheme until the control object catches him and stops his operation on his own.

Key Features of Manipulators

There are many signs by which one can determine whether an individual is a manipulator or not. This is stated in Shostrom’s book Anti Carnegie, or the Manipulator. The more there will be matches on the following signs, the higher the likelihood of using hidden control. So, what kind of behavior is typical for puppeteers?

• They never expressly declare their demands, thoughts and feelings.
• Trying to hide their true needs.
• Depending on the situation, they can quickly change their mind and behavior.
• Any questions are almost always answered blurry and foggy.
• They try to relieve themselves of all obligations and try to make other people responsible.
• They do not fulfill requests, although they claim to remember them well.
• Lies are a fairly common tactic of communication, as is silence.
• Manipulators do not pay attention to other people's needs and desires.
• They cannot stand criticism and try to deny even obvious things.
• Sometimes they harshly force them to do something or try to demand something.
• They are waiting for an immediate response to their requests and requirements.
• Unreasonably cast doubt on the quality and competence of others. It is not arguments that are used, but convictions, humiliation and other methods.
• They constantly blame everyone: colleagues, friends and relatives.
• Do not send messages directly. Instead of a personal conversation, they prefer to call or send a message through a third party.
• A manipulator is a rather egocentric person. He believes that only his point of view is the only correct one.

• The manipulator can disguise threats or openly blackmail.
• Such a person tries to avoid any discussions and negotiations.
• The manipulator very often changes the subject of the conversation. Moreover, this is done quite sharply.
• If the opponent is poorly versed in something, then the puppeteer begins to discuss this topic. So he demonstrates his superiority.
• To achieve his goals, he manipulates the moral principles of the interlocutor.
• The manipulator can set even close friends against each other.
• He skillfully becomes a victim: he complains about work overloads, exaggerates the disease, and so on.
• He can obviously say a false statement, and then change his testimony. So he is trying to find out the truth.
• In general, the statements and speech of the manipulator seem logical, but his life is rather inconsistent.
• In order to please a new acquaintance, he begins to please in every possible way, to give signs of attention and give gifts.
• The puppeteer is quite jealous. And it doesn’t matter if this is a spouse, a parent or friend.
• When communicating with him, others feel as if they were trapped.
• When he reaches his goal, others receive certain damage.

We can say that a person is a puppeteer, if at least 15 signs are confirmed from the above list. Manipulators are very insidious, so you should look at them closely.

Manipulator orientation

Three types of puppeteer can be distinguished: oriented to the future, past and present. They were described in his book Anti Carnegie, or the Manipulator Man, by Shostrom Everett.

Puppeteers who are future-oriented live in a world of idealized expectations, plans, and goals. They are completely absorbed in torment and worries about what their life will be like.

For past-oriented manipulators, feelings of guilt, remorse, regret, and remorse are characteristic. They are constantly gnawed by the memories of the past. Moreover, such people are overly touchy.

Present-oriented manipulators can be considered pathological personalities. Their past was not so saturated as to revel in and live in memories. It makes no contribution to the present. The future is foggy and confusing. And most importantly - they are in no way connected with the activities of the manipulator in the present. The life of such a person is completely meaningless and aimless.

The essence of the puppeteer is to constantly excuse and defend himself. Therefore, he needs the past to justify mistakes, and the future for empty promises. A person oriented to the present will talk a lot about his affairs, but he will never finish them.

Manipulative systems

Also, the book Anti Carnegie, or the Man Manipulator, talks about the four main types of control systems.

1. Active. The manipulator controls others using active methods. At the same time, he enjoys his social position (chief, senior sergeant, teacher, parent, and so on). He likes to act on the principle of a table of ranks and resort to the technique of "commitment and expectation." Such a manipulator will play the role of an imperious person to the end and will never show weakness. He seeks control over others and actively uses their powerlessness. The main goal is to rule and dominate at all costs.

2. Passive. This is the exact opposite of the previous type. Such a puppeteer pretends to be stupid and helpless. Its main assistants are passivity and lethargy. Such a person triumphs when he is defeated, however paradoxical it may seem. The passive manipulator allows others to work and think, so as not to exert themselves and do nothing. His task is to try not to cause irritation.

3. Indifferent. This type of manipulator people shows indifference and indifference, tries to step aside and get away from contacts. Their motto is “I don't care.” In fact, they don’t give a damn, otherwise they would not have started a manipulative game. Methods of exposure can be both passive and active. The puppeteer builds himself as a ruler, then helpless. Many married couples often play indifference. One of the spouses, threatening to divorce, in such a strange way tries to win a partner, and not to break up with him. The indifferent manipulator adheres to the philosophy of “rejecting care.”

4. Competitive. With this type of control, the manipulator presents its life as an endless chain of wins and losses, as a permanent tournament. He sees himself as a vigilant fighter. He considers his life a battlefield, and those around him - rivals and even enemies (real or potential). The competing manipulator fluctuates between active and passive methods of influence. His goal is to win at all costs.

Types of Manipulators

Also in the book “Anti Carnegie, or Man Manipulator,” Everett Shostrom mentions that there are various types of manipulators. In total, he described eight types.

• "Dictator". This is a man who likes to give orders to everyone. When disobedience, he begins to scream and threaten. The main tools are power, harsh actions, rude expressions, severity and strength. When such a person manages to gain power, he becomes an even greater tyrant and despot.

• "Calculator". In appearance, this is a very educated individual who has a fairly wide circle of contacts. But in reality, he selects in him only those from whom one can get profit. This type of people spends a lot of time figuring out the best ways. In any situation, he is led by the desire to occupy a winning position. The "calculator" never makes unfavorable acquaintances, so it often remains lonely. Sometimes it makes him sad, but on the whole he is satisfied with this situation.

• "Sticking." This is a driven type of human manipulator. Shostrom noted that such individuals tend to be under someone's control to be controlled. They are weak, lazy and overly annoying. Such manipulators do not like to do something themselves, but are just waiting for an order. And they like this alignment.

• "Rag". This type of behavior is characterized by carelessness, lack of will and infantility. Such puppeteers always complain and almost never stay in a good mood. Manipulation comes down to being pitied, understood, or simply paid attention to such an unhappy person. To do this, hysteria and crying are used to quickly achieve the desired.

• "Bully". This is a man who can solve all problems only with his fists. If something didn’t suit him - he starts to get angry, if it turned out to be a bad day - he will row, if someone doesn’t like it - he will beat him. Usually everyone is afraid of such people and tries to obey them.

• "Referee". As Everett Shostrom wrote, a manipulator of this type is always dissatisfied with something. Moreover, the scale of irritation is quite global - it seems to him that the whole world is mistaken and does everything wrong. The puppeteer is inclined to attribute those sins that have never been committed. He considers each person an enemy and a liar. Usually, contempt for others is clearly visible on the face of such a manipulator.

• "Good guy". Such a person is characterized by overly expressed complacency, which often seems insincere. The way it is. This kindness is simulated and very intrusive. Behind her are the intentions of the manipulator. His friends are very surprised when they find out that such a wonderful person is capable of some kind of meanness.

• "Defender". This is a man who, with great striving, constantly justifies and blocks the actions of people. For the most part this is not out of love for them. The reason is that in this way the manipulator shows itself in a more favorable light - more intelligent and fair than others.

It is important to learn to identify each type and take into account their features. Whatever the cunning manipulator, it is pretty predictable. If you understand the course of his thoughts, it will be possible to resist manipulation.

How to deal with a human manipulator?

First of all, you must be a person who is responsible for their actions and does not allow others to control themselves. You need to be sincere, constructive and respectful to the feelings of other people. As Shostrom said, only such a person will be able to resist a manipulative person. You can go in two ways. To expose the puppeteer or not pay attention to his influence, fencing off him with a “glass cap”. The first method can lead to complications in the relationship, since many manipulators are quite aggressive. The second option is considered more acceptable. It consists in the fact that you need to adjust your behavior so that the person has no desire to manipulate.

Next, we will consider how to resist a human manipulator. The methods are not universal, you need to choose those that are effective in a given situation.

"Hackneyed record"

This technique is suitable for those who feel their weakness and may succumb to manipulative influence. The method is good because for a while it makes it possible to stay in the role of an invulnerable robot that stands firmly on its own and with which no tricks pass. Great for when you need to refuse.

Everything is very simple. The manipulator needs to respond with a single phrase. Its design can not be changed. It should be pronounced with friendly intonation and with a calm expression on the face - this is very important. If you give slack and demonstrate a sense of guilt, then the method will be useless.

For example, constantly manipulating parents are asked to go to the cottage to work on the garden site. You can answer something like: "Sorry, I can’t, I have important things to do." Parents will definitely be interested in what their child will be so busy with. What you need to answer again with the same phrase: "Sorry, I can’t, I have important things to do." After that, parents can begin to put pressure on pity. But it is necessary to stand your ground to the end, pronouncing the same phrase. Over time, the conversation will come to naught.

"Exposure"

A manipulator is a person who rarely shows true feelings. But gestures and facial expressions will never be deceived. For example, a smile on his face, although his fists are clenched. The reception is suitable when you want to make it clear to the puppeteer that he was bitten.

The meaning of the technique is that when manifesting manipulations, you need to openly express your feelings, for example, using the phrase: "You are lying." To enhance the effect, you can turn to others to suppress the impact of the puppeteer.

An example is the following dialog:

- I do not understand what is written here! Help me translate the document.

- I do not believe that you can’t figure it out, you know perfectly French!

- My head doesn’t boil anything today, I don’t understand anything at all.

- Girls, it seems that Nastya wants me to do the work for her. What a tricky one!

Avoiding Criticism

This method is ideal for those who constantly have to contact, live or work with a human manipulator. In psychology, this is considered a fairly effective defense.

When an interlocutor tries to criticize and attack in every possible way, there is no need to deny anything, otherwise an additional portion of reproaches will fall. It is better to agree with what has been said, but only with what is truly true. Then you can carefully explain your behavior. It is important not to feel guilty.

An example is the situation with roommates:

- Alla, we were preparing a party, but you didn’t come again. You come too late all the time! What kind of girlfriend are you? We wanted to rent an apartment together to spend more time together.

- Yes, I really came late and did not have time. Don't wait for me tomorrow either, I have a date.

"Pretend to be a fool"

This technique helps to deal effectively with puppeteers whiners. In general, it is suitable for those who want to protect themselves and are not afraid to resist the manipulator. The secrets of successful human manipulation can be cleverly wrapped against him.

When they insistently demand something, you can pretend that you don’t understand, and ask you to explain again. Puppeteers are not friends with logic and do not like to interpret something, so they give up pretty quickly. If such a dialogue is not needed at all, you can simply skip to another topic. For example, you can get out of the situation as follows:

“He treated me badly again!” You can’t imagine what he told me!

“Yes, friend, your man is peculiar.” And I bought myself a new blouse! Silk, blue!

- No, he shouted and said that it’s hard to live with me!

- And she still has a cute bow! Do you think pants or a skirt will fit her?

"Freeze, die"

The technique is suitable for those who are not yet ready to actively deal with human manipulators. How to communicate with them in this case? You can refer to the behavior of animals. In nature, they often freeze so as not to clash with a large enemy. You can look at an example of how to apply this technique:

"You're new? What a pretty girl you are! I am your colleague, Sergey. All new pretty girls are making me tea! Kindly bring me to the office! ”Silence and no reaction. “Where is my tea?” Silence again. “Okay, will the documents be ready today?” “I am filling out the necessary papers, I will transmit them in an hour.” “What about tea?” Silence again. The arrogant employee will molest for a long time, but over time he will get tired of it.

Actualization of behavior

People are not only attacked by puppeteers, but they themselves often use their methods of influence in everyday life. But it’s better to try not to be a human manipulator. Carnegie Dale, an American motivational speaker, thought it was ineffective. Everett Shostrom completely agree with him. But manipulative behavior does not need to be attempted to reject. It is better to try to turn it into an actualizing behavior. To do this, deception must be transformed into honesty, cynicism into trust, control into freedom, and so on.

Only constructive communication will help to communicate effectively with people and build harmonious relationships with them. Therefore, you need to deal with manipulators and try not to turn into puppeteers yourself.