You probably know a lot of funny jokes about the army. This article will help you replenish your baggage of humor. Here are collected only the funniest jokes about the army.
Crew of a combat vehicle
The commander built a company of tankers and asks them: "Who can tell me what is most important in a tank?" One soldier takes a step forward and says: "The main thing in the tank is the barrel." The commander replies: "Figulo! Wrong answer! Once again I ask: what is the most important thing in a tank?" The second soldier takes a step forward and answers: "Comrade commander! The most important thing in the tank is the tower!" The commander is again unhappy: "Figash! The answer is incorrect! Remember, fighters! The main thing in the tank is not to get out!"
Here is one of the most recent jokes about the army. The grandson asks his grandfather: "Grandfather, did you bring down the plane?" The old man replies: "I!" The boy says: “So, this is ours, the Soviet plane!” Grandfather says (with a German accent): "Oh, me, me, naturlih! Soviet plane! Oh, me, me!".
Fatigue Remedy
Heroes of jokes about the army and the military often become members of military families.
The ensign returns home from service. His wife complains to him about life: "Today I’m so exhausted, so exhausted that I haven’t even sat down once!" Husband in a commanding voice: "Be equal! At attention! One hundred squats!"
Joke about army discipline
The unit commander says to his subordinate: "Comrade Senior Lieutenant, would you like a captain?" Starley replies: "That's right, Comrade Colonel, I would like to!" The unit commander says: “Well, that’s fine! You’ll go to the detox and get Captain Sidorov there!”
Unknown History Pages
At school, a history lesson. The teacher says: "Alexander Vasilievich Suvorov, as you know, very well mastered riding skills. Now, we see the commander on horseback." (Shows a slide). The teacher continues: “As you know, Alexander Vasilievich Suvorov carefully studied the map of the area of the upcoming battle before the battles. Here we see, he bent over the plan of the battle.” (Shows a slide). The teacher continues: "Everyone knows that Generalissimo Suvorov was very fond of Russian soldiers." Little Johnny says: "Here we see, Suvorov loves Russian soldiers."
About the draft board
Many jokes about the army are related to the passage of conscripts to the medical commission at the military commissariat. Here is one of them.
“Can you read these letters?”
- No, I don’t see anything.
- Come closer, please! Can you now?
- No, and now I can’t.
“Come three steps closer.” Do you see anything now?
- Absolutely nothing!
- Draftee, come close to the table. Now can you read the letters?
- Now with difficulty, but I can make out.
- So we write: it is suitable for hand-to-hand and bayonet combat.
According to the latest data from the Ministry of Defense, the average Russian conscript is a man with non-traditional sexual orientation, pacifist views and suffering from flat feet.
A few more cases from the army
Also, a huge number of jokes about the army tells about the soldiers who came home on vacation.
- Private comes to visit. The whole family sits at the table. During a conversation with parents, the guy is distracted, looking out the window at the girls passing by. Mother says: “Look, father, our boy has grown up! He began to pay attention to women. There wasn’t such things before the army. So, military service has a positive effect on the upbringing of a man!” The guy says, turning away from the window: "They don’t keep up! Not according to the charter!"
- Dembel lies all day in the bunk and looks at the ceiling. The unit commander enters the barracks. I saw a private lying, went up to him and said: "Well, get up! Get up, calmly!" The fighter turns his head and in surprise asks: "And who are you?" The commander replies: "Colonel Smirnov." Dembel says: "It’s pretty good too!"
- The unit commander assembled the officers and said: "Comrades, tomorrow the whole command staff will go fishing. Each of them should take five bottles of vodka with everyone! Who has any questions?" One officer gets up and says: “Comrade Colonel, the last time we went fishing, then we missed the political officer, the chief of the fuel and lubricants warehouse, and the commander of the second company. Therefore, I suggest taking four bottles of vodka.” Another officer gets up and says the following: "Comrade unit commander, the last time we went fishing, we lost the car there." The colonel, after hearing these speeches, says: “I repeat: tomorrow the entire command staff of our unit will go fishing. Each of them should have vodka, in the amount of five bottles. The Zapolit, the chief of the fuel and lubricants warehouse, and also the second company commander should not be taken with them no one to leave the car! "
- The company commander wakes up drunk, sees that his uniform is all dirty, calls to one of the soldiers and says: "Yesterday Private Ivanov came out of dismissal in an indecent manner, drunk in a trolley, staggered from side to side. When I remarked to him, he besides, he snatched at me. I announced three outfits to him out of turn. The soldier says: "Comrade commander, this is too soft a punishment! He’s also shitting your pants. "
- The father congratulates his son: "Since February 23, Vasya!" The guy says: "Yes, take your time, Dad! Maybe I will go to university!"
- Two privates go through the military unit. One says to the other: “Come on, get some fun over the ensign!” Another answers: "Yes, calm down! We are already fun over the rector!".