In the military environment from time immemorial, many characteristic tales have been circulating. They always differ from everyday, everyday in some nuances of military humor. Many military tales are recorded from boredom by nights on duty for parts, there are many of them from military operations - these stories are passed from mouth to mouth for generations.
Pensioner
This is one of the most famous military tales of the Great Patriotic War. An aged collective farmer of 60 years was at the front. At that moment, the key task was to survive, and everyone was sent to the front line in a row. He had documents with notes that he had not served before.
Since the pensioner was from the village, they identified him as a charioteer in the field kitchen. They thought that he would deal with horses. They gave the hero of the military tales of World War II the old three-ruler, cartridges. The pensioner began to deliver food to the forefront. The task was not too difficult, but important, because a hungry fighter is not a fighter. War is war, and lunch is scheduled.
Sometimes he had to be late. Still not to be late during the bombing! It’s better to bring cooled but whole porridge than slush spilled on the ground. And so the hero of the military bike rode for about a month. And once he went on his new flight. It was necessary to transport food to the headquarters, and then to the front line. He harnessed the nibble and drove off. The trip took about half an hour.
On the walkie-talkie to the front line, they said: “Wait, they’re eating. Cook the spoons. ” The soldiers began to wait - an hour, two, three. Agitated. And there is silence on the road. And there is no bombing, and no kitchen. They call the headquarters. And there is the answer: "Do not come back!"
They sent 3 fighters to the route where the kitchen went, to see how it was. Soon, the soldiers saw such a picture. There is a black horse on the route, and there is a kitchen in the vicinity of bullets in the vicinity. A pensioner sits on it and groans.
At his feet lies 7 fascist bodies in protective camouflage uniforms. Dead, in excellent gear. Apparently saboteurs. They wanted to break into the headquarters. The soldiers rounded eyes: "Who did this?" “I,” the old man replies, calm. “How?” The foreman does not believe. “But he put it all out of the berdana,” the charioteer points to his antique weapons.
They sent a pensioner to the headquarters to sort it out. It turned out that the non-combatant old man is a hereditary Siberian hunter. The squirrel will get into the eye. While riding the front line for a month, he shot with his weapons from boredom. As soon as there was an attack, he hid behind the kitchen and single-handedly shot a whole sabotage group from a gun.
But the Nazis did not hide too much, they went straight to the kitchen. Hungry? Or maybe they wanted the old man to clarify the path to the headquarters? They did not expect that the Russian grandfather would poke them one nose into the ground.
What ended
The pensioner was awarded a medal, transferred to snipers. He reached Prague, and then was commissioned. After the war, he told this military trick to his grandchildren. He explained why the awards were given to him.
School of saboteurs
One of the most popular military tales is The Diary of a Future Saboteur. It is painted by day.
Day 1. So I ended up at the school of saboteurs. The colonel came and said that we were very lucky - our training will be on the latest programs. Nobody will leave alive until the end of the course. If someone decided to leave - that is a bonus: shooting is out of turn.
Day 2. The sergeant arrived. He will be engaged in teaching us. He announced that he will teach us the secret techniques of the ninja. It is believed that the ninjas themselves have not heard of such techniques. But the sergeant showed the results of his studies - he broke his head with a rail, chewed his helmet. Everything is in shock ...
Day 3. We began to prepare for study. It turned out that the colonel had a strange sense of humor - there was a joke about the execution, and everyone believed. Well, nothing, one day he will climb on a pole in our flippers.
Day 5. All day we learned to dig holes on speed, using beaver techniques, and jump through them. By the end of the day, everyone easily jumped over 7-meter pits. Jumping was stimulated by a sergeant. The presence of barbed wire at the bottom of the pits aroused increased diligence in the fighters. Therefore, 7 meters is not the limit.
Day 9. Today was spent jumping over fences. 2-meter took everything at once. The sergeant's wisdom, the presence of barbed wire, planks with nails prompted them to jump over. That night, by the way, many jumped over the fence and went AWOL.
Day 10. The fences were completed up to 7 meters. The sergeant's wisdom, the presence of barbed wire, planks with nails motivated to overcome 5 meters in height. That night all those who didn’t go yesterday, went off the gun, as it became insulting.
Day 11. The study began to crawl along the walls. So far it’s not very good. The sergeant made a promise to motivate, since everyone, even stupid monkeys, can climb walls.
Day 12. We continue to crawl along the walls. It turned out better. But we are constantly falling. The wisdom of the sergeant, the presence of planks with nails, barbed wire, which are laid out below, help to keep the wall.
Day 13. We began to crawl with great confidence. Only Ivanov is afraid of heights, and at the level of the 5th floor he loses lunch, but does not fall, remains. Doesn't want to let the sergeant down.
Day 14. The unit commander came. He demanded a schedule of autowires. There are no detectors designed for ninjas. The sergeant was displeased, muttered: "Let them take a walk ...". Then he made a promise to set some surprises, traps and flog anyone who comes across. And the detectors, as he says, are for pigeons without brains, and not for saboteurs ...
Day 15. Yesterday, the sergeant fell into his own trap. Everyone waited all day to see if he would burn himself. But that did not happen. But at night, everyone in a crowd began to search for traps. We found many trophies: surprises-traps - 10 pieces, anti-tank mines - 6 pieces, pistols for underwater shooting - 3 pieces, a box of F1 grenades of white coloring - 1 piece and even wall-beaten logs with titanium tips - 2 pieces. All the trophies were hidden in the capters, but could not stand it and a couple were placed secretly. They wondered all night what part had been here before.
Day 16. The wise sergeant lost his equanimity. He fell into both traps and was like a freshly painted chameleon all day. He taught to throw spoons and forks, because, according to the sergeant, any fool can handle knives. He made a promise tomorrow to teach throwing umbrellas.
Day 17. We studied throwing umbrellas. A properly thrown umbrella, the sergeant said, can pierce 5 mm plywood at a distance of 20 m. His hand is full, he showed it from 100 m. In the evening, lead of unknown origin was taken out of the capter and they actually tried the sergeant theory in the nearest chicken house.
This military bike has a great humorous continuation.
Military pilots
The next bike of military pilots is told by his grandfather, who went through the entire Second World War. She is true. History took place in the Far East in the spring of 1945. Soviet aircraft, but rather, some of their similarities - maize - needed to patrol the air borders. It was all about constant Japanese raids. Grandfather in one squadron fought with a man whose name has already been forgotten over the years ago.
And in one raid a man’s plane burned. He managed to jump with a parachute, successfully land.
Who has ever seen a burning corncob? It is unlikely that anyone saw, but, according to his grandfather, he begins to weigh himself unpredictably. Before the final fall, I checked a few times in the sky, and then fell behind a hill.
And these last circles turned out to be dangerous - the fuel tank was already broken in the plane, and, while spinning, he poured fuel on the catapulted hero. The parachute, watered with fuel, flared up instantly, and he fell to the ground with a stone.
Subsequently, the command was ordered to find and bury the pilot. They searched for him for a long time, but when they found him, they were in shock.
Everyone who has been in the Far East knows that snow has been lying there for a very long time, it happens, right up to the summer.
The shocked search squad found the broken pilot who was alive. He fell into a decay between hills, glided about 8 kilometers, and then became silent.
Thanks to these lucky heroes, the territory in the Far East is called Russia!
About Kol Drake
The next tale of naval sailors is also considered a true story. 3rd-rank captain Kolya Bulgakov ran a sea minesweeper. He was a dashing commander, for which he had the nickname Admiral Drake. In ancient times, there was a pirate with the same name, who eventually became a peer in England.
As it often happens, carrying out his duties far from commanders and relatives, the captain became addicted to the “green serpent”.
And one day the minesweeper set off to guard the borders. In those days, the Japanese celebrated their national holiday - Day of the Northern Territories.
Local residents, who considered Russian stones their property, went out into the water in junior vessels. The situation was tense.
Russian heroic minesweeper at sea is surrounded by dozens of Japanese junks. The Babylonian pandemonium was formed. Of course, you can drown them, give more progress, but this is not a tense situation, but an open conflict. And you can’t hide in the drift, as the “opponents” dreamed of being on board the minesweeper.
Kolya Drake decided to make a move, adding speed. The minesweeper is gaining speed, and the maneuver was successful. A few junks dodged, and one slid in half, like an egg shell. The fishermen, who had just cherished the dream of taking revenge on the historical enemy, were already dreaming of not drowning. After all, no matter how you grab hold of posters with hieroglyphs, they will not add buoyancy.
Kolya-Drake, even tipsy, was not taken aback. He gave "Man Overboard!" and pulled almost the drowned to the deck. Their brothers were not in a hurry to help. And then Drake thought about it. An incident resembling an international scandal came out. And this Drake did not like.
So the hero of the naval story gave the radio to the base. There everyone was shocked, they sent a boat to the scene of the incident with high headquarters command.
While the boat was going there, Drake began to sort things out with the owner of the junky. He, of course, did not know Russian. In addition, he began to suspiciously cough and sneeze. Kolya began to heal a samurai, and recovered a command stock.
After a couple of hours, the boat approached the minesweeper. Not having listened to the report of the officer in charge, an energetic capraise went to the commander's cabin. Other reviewers ran after him. Kapraz pushed the door open, it opened, revealing an unforgettable picture.
Drake hugging a foreigner over his thin shoulders sang very zealously: "On that day, the samurai decided ..." And the captain of the junior with all the diligence sang along to him. There was a large bottle of alcohol on the table. The commander’s safe was opened. Makarov, some documents were visible from it. Drake raised his swimming eyes to those who entered, and, with difficulty turning his tongue, uttered the only foreign word that he had learned during his long school years: "Freundschaft ..."
A month later, the captain of Nikolai Bulgakov became the commander of the base minesweeper "Mashka". In the darkness of the Pacific Fleet with the name Timofeevka.
But there did not stay long. He had equine health, believed that his subordinates should be the same. For this reason, in his naval kingdom, people walked half-naked, with holey "bastards," in a fit of tune to match the pirates.
Once upon a time, the next commission came to Mashka. Drill inspection began. Drake exposed his guys. The view from the sailors was terrifying. But the morale is excellent!
The inspectors were stunned, examining the sailors, they heard from the ragged dashing: “Sailor Vasechkin. Full, shod, service in the Navy like. Ready to stay overtime! ”
Then the patience of the command burst. The hero of many naval tales with humor was demobilized. Drake began to serve as a pilot somewhere on the Dnieper. But there he repeatedly became a hero, providing with his actions a lot of material for naval tales with humor.
From Chechnya
This funny military bike from Chechnya gained popularity. A good guy returned from there, far from computers, like elephants from Antarctica. He did not like to recall this period, but he told one story.
The battle began for the village, village, in other words. Ours were sitting behind the house, and the Chechens - in a brick building, shooting through the street from there. It was impossible to use artillery or aircraft. And the Chechens, using the convenient situation, mercilessly fired around.
Bullets from the AK-47 often ricochet, and ours were not too comfortable. And among them was one guy, a draftee, a system administrator. It is unclear how he ended up there. And when the stray bullet flashed over his head again, his nerves could not stand it, and he shouted “IDDQD !!!” rushed to the attack.
The rest rushed after him in unison. Surprisingly, the militants were so shocked by the arrogance of the enemy that they missed the moment when the group, shouting something utterly together, broke into the house. The village was taken. Someone was injured, of course, but in general, serious troubles did not happen. Sysadmin escaped with fear, despite the fact that the first rushed.
That evening, ours asked the daredevil what he was shouting. The answer was silence, and then: “Have you heard anything about DOOM?” You’ll laugh, but the code word has become a talisman for an entire detachment for the entire Chechen company.
The eyes of our hero became 5 kopecks each when they told him what this means (IDDQD is the cheat code for the DOOM game, which gives invulnerability). And this funny military tale proves better than anything that games are not worthless. The bike is entirely based on real events.
In the cold war
There are many military tales of the Cold War. Between the greatest powers a period of tense confrontation began, the Caribbean crisis broke out. The relationship was far from ideal, it smelled of nuclear war. In the sky, the pilots provoked each other.
And one day, exercises began somewhere above the seas. 2 Soviet Tu-163 tankers marched in the air, and then 2 NATO fighters formed behind them. They hung on the tail and began to behave arrogantly. Most likely, the tankers confused with the bombers or wanted to play on the nerves of our pilots.
Our pilot of one of the Tu-163 passes to the second Soviet pilot: "Squid-4, attention, release ELECTRONIC CAPTURE."
A moment of bewilderment, and then it came to the slave, and a long fuel hose comes out of our tanker.
Fighters took every word on the radio and are perplexed.
“I'm Octopus 3, the release of electronic capture is perfect. Ready for the task! ”
"Octopus 3, attention ... GRAB THE RIGHT!"
And then two fighters instantly go sharply down, fly away from Soviet aircraft.
Damn them, these Russians ...
It is also a true Cold War military bike.
Grandfather
There are no funny stories at all. This took place in 1942. Grandfather was the commander of a gunboat in the Baltic. He was honest by nature, did not offend his subordinates, did not hide behind him, and beat the fascists on orders.
In one of the voyages, his boat was battered by a fascist battleship. She barely left undercover. The battleship refused to pursue, hoping that in the minefield into which the boat entered, she simply would be blown up.
Grandfather, raking mines with his hands, left the pursuer in smoke.
It was October, in the Baltic, the water temperature is a little over 10 degrees. Whom to send?
An old boatswain, the sailors were almost all wounded, only he and the mechanic remained. Both sailed in turn, changing every 5 minutes, repelling mines. They got a serious hypothermia, but managed to save the ship by going through a minefield, spending all the smoke bombs from pursuit.
Upon returning to Kronstadt, they sent the whole team to the hospital. Someone had to be treated, and someone had to be warmed up. Then the grandfather was assigned to the star of the Hero, and the mechanics were given the Order of Glory.
A couple of weeks later the hero of this story was sitting in the hospital, warming up with alcohol with the head of the economic unit. They are fellow countrymen, for life they communicate.
And here the head of the household unit offers his grandfather to start a business in Russian: to cut off the rations of sailors, and the profit from the sale in half. It was a shame for the grandfather in St. Petersburg to blockade the sailors rations to sell for coins, he could not stand and gave the head of the economic unit over the head.
the end
There was a noise, a din, an attack on a senior officer, a court ... My grandfather did not tell anything at the court.
The Star of the Hero was not given to him, but the ranks were stripped. He was sent to the penalty company to defend Peter.
He was wounded, returned to the fleet as a sailor. He ended the war in Koenigsberg and, until the demobilization, controlled the sailors rations clearly upon receipt and issuance.
Information in conclusion
Tales are stories based on real events. Sometimes the narrator can add color, embellishing some details. And yet, in fact, these events took place. This also explains their popularity among the people. They listen to military tales in MP3, tell everywhere where people related to military affairs gather.